Ah g’day Bruce and Sheils

With deepest apologies to anyone who, you know, might actually be Australian


[rising inflection on every sentence please]

Awight mates?

So t’day I bin torkin’ ‘Strine.

An’ doin’ Strine things.

In a good ol’ Strine fashun.

For lunch I had a koala burger.

With a side order of spiders.

Big big Strine spiders.

Not them tiny wingeing pom spiders.

Nah mate.


I thort I’d just leave some top quality Strine music in yer earoles.

Here’s Missy.

She sings a bit proper and a bit posh, but she’s as Strine as a gnat on a dingo’s left bollock.


I really need to socialise with some people during the day.

Census, or sense of humour

The United Kingdom Census of 1881 recorded significant information about the people residing in every UK household on the night of 3 April 1881.

It was just the fifth of the UK censuses to include details of household members (previously censuses recorded the head of the household and property details).

Details collected include: address, name, relationship to the head of the family, marital status, age at last birthday, gender, occupation, and place of birth.

What’s really interesting is that at that time, we either had a much looser understanding of ‘occupation’, or perhaps people were less afraid of showing they had a sense of humour.

You decide.

1881 census occupations

1881 census occupations


Blogathon 26/16: The Wisdom Of A Dead Person

As I was driving to work this morning, merrily saluting magpies as I jaunted down the A46, my mind turned to Groucho Marx and his many wise sayings.


The iPod finished playing ‘Disappear’ by ‘inLight’, and then it segued in to ‘Big In Japan’ by the 80s German synth-rockers, Alphaville.



And that got me thinking about the classic sci-fi/distopian noir film ‘Alphaville’, which was written and directed by Jean-Luc Godard.



Now Jean-Luc Godard has had many moments of brilliant witticism, but probably his best were the words “Je suis Marxiste, tendance Groucho.”

And that, obviously, put my head in front of another brilliant witticismist (definitely is a word!), Groucho Marx.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx

With his greasepainted moustache that sat tauntingly in front of a range of deadpan expressions, Groucho was the perfect foil to any number of fools.

Some of his most famous quotes were written by Hollywood script-writers, but he contributed to many of his own one-liners. Many were on-set adlibs.

But as I momentarily tuned out ‘Big in Japan’, I sniggered as I recalled:

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five

And of course, my favourite:

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member

Equality for dogs! And snakes! (on a plane?)

Long-term readers will know that I’m not a cat person.

Oh, I know they have their uses, and that these include such worthwhile behaviours as:

  • Patrolling in your garden, yowling loudly at 2am
  • Crapping in your garden even if they belong to somebody else
  • Patrolling in your garden, yowling loudly at 3am
  • Slaughtering wildlife and leaving things like bird spleens exactly where you’re going to tread on them
  • Patrolling in your garden, yowling loudly at 4am

Valuable though these things surely are, it is an inescapable fact that, for unfathomable reasons, we allow cats to roam freely across our homes and gardens – and also allow them to roam freely across our neighbours’ homes and gardens, without even giving our neighbours a choice in the matter – in a way that we do not allow dogs (or other pets) to roam.

Other pets such as:

  • Hamsters
  • Gerbils
  • Rats
  • Snakes
  • Ponies

I think this behaviour is breedism* and, being a society of equals, believe that we should be working to stamp out this in-built favouritism towards members of the feline race.

We should encourage our hamsters to roam across the countryside.

What’s wrong with allowing our dogs – or our ponies – to wander hither, thither, and indeed yon, across the land, gardens and indeed properties of our neighbours?

How could establishing these equalities be anything other than a good – and fair – goal for the higher forms of life?

It couldn’t.


Therefore we need to establish an Equal Rights for Animals movement.

The ERfA could encourage all pet owners to give their gerbils, hamsters, rats, dogs, ponies – and indeed pet crocodiles – the same freedom of movement that cat-owners grant their fluffy little felines.

This objective would be a fair and wonderful thing for society to achieve.

It’s time that all pet owners (and their pets) were granted the same liberté, égalité, and fraternité that Tiddles has solely enjoyed for far too long.

Let’s stamp out this breedism*.

And allowing our pets to have the same amount of freedom on the ground, obviously extends to allowing our pets to have the same amount of freedom in the air.

Yes indeed.

I look forward to similar amusing videos of dogs, ponies, pet crocodiles and even tame snakes having the same amount of freedom as this little feline:

*breedism, noun
: unfair treatment of an/other creature(s) because of their species; especially : unfair treatment of all animals who are not cats