Go ahead caller, you’re through

I was lounging around in bed, alternating between coughing my lungs out and snatching five-minute dozes to try and make up for the lost sleep of the last two nights, when my Gmail messenger burst in to life.

This is very odd, because the only two forms of IM I use are WhatsApp and Skype.

I looked at the notification message.

minniti978@gmail.com (someone not in my contacts/address book) wanted a chat.

So I said OK. Here’s what happened next:

minniti978: hey, are you around?
Sent at 13:00 on Sunday
me: Yarp
minniti978: Im bored and wanted to meet new people… 22/female here..you?
me: I’m 22/female too!
minniti978: I’m feeling a little naughty wanna have some fun ? 🙂
me: Okelydokely neighbour. Let’s be really naughty. You go and catch next door’s cat and I’ll get the camera and the ransom note
minniti978: here’s a picture lol www.i.imgur.com/PxwzlQk.jpg you like? hehe =)
me: Wow, that’s a hell of a scar. Were you injured in a motorbike accident?
minniti978: Hehe, you want some more?
Sent at 13:03 on Sunday
me: More what? Haven’t you caught that cat yet? I’m going to send the owner a ransom note saying I want two Curly Wurlys and a Snickers for her safe return.
minniti978: www.i.imgur.com/YEMXIA9.jpg my turn.. wow. I’m soooo turned on right now!!
Sent at 13:05 on Sunday
me: You’re not a real person are you? I’m offering you a 50% share in the cat ransom and all you want to do is send me links.
minniti978: Mmm…is the game getting “harder”? 🙂
me: Well it’s going to get fucking impossible if you don’t get off your fat lazy arse and catch that cat!
minniti978: www.i.imgur.com/XQEWPFP.jpg i want your cock baby really bad would you give it to me??
Sent at 13:07 on Sunday
me: Cock? You think I keep poultry here? Are you fucking mentile? With next door’s cat killing half of the wildlife in the parish, you think I’d have poultry?
minniti978: www.i.imgur.com/IWB8j0O.jpg ok last one lol, you’d love to fuck me wouldnt you 😉
Sent at 13:08 on Sunday
me: Actually, no. You’re a big fat skanky ho with a cunt the size of the QEII Bridge. I’ve had more attractive nightmares than you. I’m sorry, but you’re obviously a ‘bot’ so what the fucking fuck do you think you need a fucking fuck for in the first place?
minniti978: cum rub my cunt 😉
me: Lady, I wouldn’t touch your cunt with the Archbishop of Canterbury’s cock, you diseased old whore.
minniti978: I’ll be your whore 😉
Sent at 13:11 on Sunday
me: Will you? Really? Well get off your mountain of cellulose that you call an arse, and get out there and hawk that cunt of yours around. We must be able to find some desperate enough to give you a fiver for a poke.
minniti978: Baby we really need to go on cam i cant wait anymore
me: You need the toilet now?
minniti978: Here i just invited you www.letsplayoncamz.com?freeInvite=g2srt8 try accepting that babe
Sent at 13:13 on Sunday
me: Fuck off! Do you think I came up the Liffy on a bicycle? I’m not going to click on any skanky old link some skanky old whore throws at me, not for all the tea in the land of never-ending tea!
minniti978: mhhm fuck me;)
me: Fuck me!
minniti978: Its supposed to be the best app for this kind of thing, hurry up and accept!!!
me: Read. My. Lips.
No.
Now fuck off
minniti978: Its worth the annoying signup babe, wait until you see what we can do once you’re in
Sent at 13:16 on Sunday
me: I wonder how much longer I could string you along for? Maybe we should get together, you and me, and I could give your address to every cold-calling cunt who rings the landline? Then you could all keep each other occupied, while I got on with my life?
minniti978: lol its a free dating site babe, nothing
me: Nothing what?
Nothing gives?
Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me.
Anyway the wind blows.
minniti978: Its free to join.. i promise.. but it will ask for a card i think.. im gonna get naughty and i cant have kids watching..
me: Eeeew, your kids might watch? Dafuq are you on? And also, a couple of minutes ago you said you were 22yo. You now telling me that you’re 22 *and* you’ve got kids – that’s kids, plural? You really are a skanky ho!
minniti978: Ok babe.. talk to you in there.. gonna charge my phone.. mwa! xoxo

16 Reasons You Hate Your IT Department (response)

This blog post is an insider’s light-hearted response to: 16 Reasons You Hate Your IT Department

password1. Password policy
Our passwords exist to protect this organisation’s sensitive data. Passwords expire every 30 days, not every 90 days. Passwords are meant to be secret. If we notice you’ve written them down or sellotaped them to your monitor, you will be instantly dismissed, in accordance with this organisation’s security policy that you have to electronically sign, once a month, when you adopt a new password. Passwords must contain at least one upper case, at least one lower case, at least one special character, at least one number, at least one letter, and must be between 8-16 characters in length. The password system will not allow you to recycle passwords, or use any part of your name, your address, your date of birth. The password system will not allow you to change a numeric value and keep on using the same core password. This is about information security. This is about keeping sensitive data away from where it should not go. This is about protecting the data we are entrusted with. Are you incapable of understanding this?

blocked2. Blocking webpages
You do know that you don’t have a right to view Facebook, or check your Twitter every five minutes? You do know that viewing the Daily Mail website is punishable by death*? Our webfilter exists to protect this organisation from people viewing inappropriate content. We know that you’ve been googling X-Factor, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, and Strictly Come Dancing. You want access to a website? All you have to do is put three lines on an email to the Security Officer. You can’t be bothered to do that, but instead you can write 45 lines on Facebook criticising our security policy? Your internet access has been revoked for two months. Deal with it.
*possibly not, but it should be.

Bum3. Never being able to print anything ever
Oh come on, how stupid do you think we are? We know you printed 73 full-colour invitations to your birthday when you thought everyone had gone home. We know you printed your entire holiday photo album early last Tuesday morning. And we know you used a multi-function printer to send copies of your arse to your boyfriend (and also to Kevin in accounts. And Jim the security guard). So now your manager’s budget is being charged for everything you print. It’s for your manager to authorise your print jobs, not IT.

Cat5 cable4. “We’ve switched off your ethernet cables because… reasons.”
The reason the ethernet cables have been switched off is because WE HAVE IMPLEMENTED WIFI ACROSS THE BUILDING AS YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD IN THE LAST THREE STAFF BRIEFINGS. We have done this because the greater mobility means instant access to our corporate information systems from any room. It also means that the cableless infrastructure means easier staff moves; desk positions are no longer tied to obsolete network points. This is better for you. This is better for us. We’re sorry that you like living in 1995, but come and join us in the 21st Century, we think you’ll enjoy it.

obsolete5. Obsolete technology
You might think your laptop at home is better than your laptop at work, but let’s be honest, you only use your home laptop for Facebook, Twitter, Plenty of Fish, Match and eHarmony. If you tried to run the same applications and utilities on your home laptop that your work laptop runs, you’d soon be straight back to Cash Converters to try and upgrade it.

Virus6. The antivirus is worse than a virus
No it isn’t. And while we’re on this point, that nasty little infection you introduced from your home laptop via that memory stick cost the organisation 263 staff-hours. Still, we’ve stopped the possibility of that reocurring – all of the USB ports on all of the work machines have been permanently disabled for everyone, except those with an encrypted device.

SaveTimeMoney7. The solution to any minor problem is to wipe the whole machine
Well yes. It takes 8 minutes to re-image a laptop with the corporate desktop and applications. And you can’t save data to your machine, as you know. All data must be saved to your personal network drive or the corporate network drive. So 8 minutes of re-imaging a laptop is actually more cost effective. You have a problem with a public sector organisation being cost effective now?

Office3658. Internet Explorer
You have Office 365, feel free to embrace the same technology that everyone else in the building uses.

Risk9. Anything useful is immediately shot down as OMGSECURITYRISK
Even a Daily Mail reader like you (sneer) should know that information security is a fundamental part of this organisation. The cleaners have been security vetted. Every single employee has been security cleared. Contractors are vetted and have to sign an NDA every single day they work here. You have successfully completed a security vetting (though we’ll admit we are not altogether sure how, especially given the information you regularly post on Facebook about colleagues!). And the last person who attempted to connect their laptop to a dongle was frogmarched out of the building by security, had their personal items posted to them and is, even two years later, still out of work. For further clarification please take the trouble to read the security policy that you digitally sign every month.

Economy of Scale10. Only supporting Macs. Or only supporting PCs
Yeah, we’d love to be able to support more tools, if we’re honest. We are, after all, just geeks. But the ‘we only support one type of technology’ comes down to £s. If you want the IT overhead of this organisation to be significantly increased, we suggest you start an ePetition arguing for us to support Windows, Apple, Ubuntu, FreeBSD and every other flavour of Unix operating system, and ensuring that these devices can be made secure and managed remotely.

WiFi11. You have to apologise to visitors, when they ask if there’s wifi
You do apologise to visitors when they ask if there’s WiFi, we’ve noticed. Don’t you think it’s time you told them the access credentials to the Visitors WiFi Network? Of course, this would mean you’d have to extract your head from your arse, stop being a self-important, denigrating arsehole and actually learn something about your workplace, but hey, you can’t have it both ways, eh?

chain12. One bloke has that “I read all your email” look about him
Look, we’ve all got that ‘I read all your email’ look. Because you keep forwarding to All Email Users those fucking cat photographs. And while we’re talking about your use of the All Email Users address book, you really need to stop sending those chain letters, or your next career move will be sideways (out of the front door). Can you stop now?

Software13. Licences!
If your manager doesn’t think you should have photoshop because you spent four days photoshopping photographs of cats, you need to have a discussion with her. Until she says otherwise, you don’t get a photoshop licence. And yes, we do know that you took an illegal copy of Photoshop home with you. We’re docking the licence fee from your salary next month.

DilbertIntranet14. Using the intranet is like travelling back in time to using the web in 1994. Except worse
In this organisation, IT doesn’t provide the content, or deal with the design of the intranet – in what backward organisations is this still the case? We just provide the tools (php front-end, and an Oracle database to drive the website. You complaining to IT about how the intranet looks or feels is exactly like you complaining to your car mechanic because you don’t like the view out of the window.

LazyBitch15. Everything is (supposedly) backed up, but god help you if you actually want to recover anything
Everything really is backed up. Your personal network drive and all of the corporate network drives are backed up. We do, however, note that your excuse for not turning in that piece of work last week was ‘the file disappeared and IT can’t find the backup’, but we all know the truth here, don’t we?

moveOn16. They make using a computer so laborious you start longing for simpler times
We’re really sorry you think working within a secure, stable, IT environment is laborious. Maybe you should take a few hours, on your next sick day, to reconsider your current career?

Sex – out of this world!

While you and I fall in to bed at night, and have our deep, dreamless sleeps (and occasional excellent hugs), Stephany Cohen is beamed aboard alien spaceships and has sex with members of various alien races.

I show the clip of her interview, on BBC1s This Morning, without further comment:

Sunday evening rambling (not outdoors)

I am drinking decaf tea.

Please don’t judge me.

I was introduced to decaf tea by a friend. Apparently drinking decaf tea aids sleep.

I don’t drink much ordinary tea (what’s the antethesis of decaf tea – caf tea?), but I do have a sleep pattern that comes and goes at will.

So I’m giving it a go.

In other news, it has been raining. All day.

I’ve avoided getting wet through my cunning plan of staying indoors. All day.

Except for the going out bits, obv.

I schooled Vin this morning.

Indoors.

I did a little shopping.

Indoors.

I’ve done a lot of video editing.

Indoors.

And all my travelling about the place – and there has been quite a bit of travelling about the place today – has all been undertaken…. indoors.

What I’m trying to say here is, despite the need to be out and about several times today, the Bandit has stayed firmly under wraps.

There has been no travelling on two wheels.

The car has been deployed.

Hence travelling…. indoors.

*Shuffles newspaper and looks brightly at the camera*

I was going to a gig tomorrow evening, but the main reason for going in to London on a schoolnight is no longer compelling.

The band I was really interested in seeing live has, unfortunately, cancelled.

Bit of a shame really; that was a paying journo gig.

In other news, the Sunday evening appetite is upon me.

It is approaching 6pm.

It would be totes wrong for me to ring Dominos Pizza and ask them to deliver some doughy, tomatoey (it’s a real word, chill), pizza-toppingesque (it’s another word, just relax, OK?) goodness, wouldn’t it?

Totes wrong?

Or just a bit wrong?