Not for a very long time either!
The Monty Python West End musical ‘Spamalot’ features a sketch based on the original Monty Python TV sketch ‘bring out your dead‘ which features a medieval serf trying to pass off an old man as the corpse of a plague victim (because the people of the time were paid for the plague corpses they produced).
People who go to see Spamalot and buy T-shirts from Ye Olde Rip Offe Shoppe can buy shirts that are emblazoned with the words ‘I’m not dead yet’.
I feel as though I should be wearing mine today.
The schedule of events goes like this – and bear in mind this is all one day – Saturday:
00.45 – vomit and onset of stomach pain
01.30 – pain in every position
02.30 – massive spike of pain. I may have cried for an hour or so
02.45 – stomach became distended and hard
05.00 – went for a walk to try and ease the pain
09.00 – rang NHS direct who did the sharp intake of breath thing and said they’d get a nurse to call me
09.15 – nurse called, did the sharp intake of breath thing and said I should speak to a Doc
10.20 – Doc called, did the sharp intake of breath thing and said I should get to hospital
11.05 – Arrived at the Royal Alexandra hospital in Redditch
11.10 – Seen by duty ‘out of hours’ Doc who diagnosed any of three possible problems, chronic gastric blockage requiring surgery (the exact quote was ‘if it’s that you’ll be seeing the surgeon later today’) or a chronic gastric blockage treatable by non-surgery methods (that was my favourite) or a stone (of the non rolling variety) also requiring surgery. I told him to proceed as if it was option 2!
11.30 – given two shots, one for the pain which almost made me pass out a couple of times during the consultation, one to relax my internal organs. Then given pills, told that things could take up to an hour to work and I should make myself as comfortable as possible (ha!).
12.00 – re-inspected by the Doc – feeling non-vomity and slightly better internally but stomach still as hard as a rock
12.30 – re-inspected by the Doc – still non-vomity, much better internally but worryingly stomach still distended and still as hard as a rock. Doc said the last two things will go away over a week or two. Gave me a box of pills, said I was very lucky as he had me down to be under the knife by 15.00, and instead he shook my hand and sent me on my way.
13.05 – arrived home, crawled in to bed, spoke to The Lovely S to allay her fears, dozed
The evening passed in a blur – I was that tired.
This morning I ate breakfast (porridge and a cup of tea) and medication.
This afternoon we went to see the horses, fed them apples then met The Outlaws (The Lovely S’s platinum parents) at a pub where they bought us lunch (I had soup and dessert).
We all came back home where more cups of tea were followed by a slice of birthday cake.
My stomach is still distended, still hard but I’m not in the least bit of pain and – importantly – I’m keeping my food down.
Tonight is Top Gear followed by A Long Way Down. The former is compulsive viewing, more on the latter in a moment.
I’ll get things ready for tomorrow, go to bed and – ironically – get up in the morning and go to work as if nothing has happened this weekend.
And all I’ve got to show as evidence is a box of hospital-issued medication, a distended stomach and a general lack of sleep.
Right, Long Way Down (BBC2, 21.00 Sundays).
I have a book to review – actually I have two books to review – by a young author called Sam Manicom.
One of his books is his version of ‘A Long Way Down’ – his story of his motorbike journey through Africa – whilst the other book is his version of a motorbike trip through Australia and Asia.
I’m looking forward to reviewing them both – but it’s safe to say right now that unlike the over-moneyed, over-protected, fully-cocooned celebrities who are currently starring in TV’s celeb-love in ‘A Long Way Down’, Sam Manicom made both of these journeys without the hugely expensive backup teams in 4×4’s.
In our contacts to date Sam seems to be personable young author, in the excerpts I’ve read Sam’s work seems very promising.
Time, coursework, the 9-5 and life has stopped me from reviewing his books so far, but I’ve got a clear plan of getting them both done before Christmas.
I’ll let you know how it all pans out but…
Even though I’ve only skimmed his books so far – I’m already recommending the books ‘Into Africa’ and ‘Under Asian Skies’ by Sam Manicom as alternatives to the completely unrealistic ‘A Long Way Down’.