Updated 16th July 2010, edit identified below
The (allegedly) final series of Big Brother is upon us and do you know what? It’s nowhere near as bad as the previous series.
This year the C4 selecting panel have been cut down by a devastating attack of common sense.
As a result of this sensible infection, the Big Brother house has been inflicted with a collection of almost normal people. Or, to look at it a slightly different way, the selectors have chosen a completely normal selection of the kind of people who would apply to go on Big Brother.
Gone are the attitude-challenging, psychotic, bodily-pierced, tattooed, one-legged, circus-dwelling, high-wire-walking, fire-eating, deep-sea-diving, bisexual lesbians from Lithuania.
As we near the end of the first full week of occupancy of the Big Brother house, it’s time to take a slightly tongue-in-cheek look at this year’s cream of the BB crop.
Josie, the big, brash and brazen Bristolian, whose view on the worldÂ is as skimming and as lightening-fast as her wise-cracking brain. Josie’s accent actually puts her somewhere outside Bristol because she doesn’t put the letter ‘l’ on the end of words that end with an ‘a’. She talks a little more rural than Redfield; I’m guessing she’s from the Hanham areal. Did you see what I did there? Right, anyway. It would be easy, if one didn’t know the Bristol speech pattern, to put Josie down as being just another dumb blonde from the sticks, but no. She’s got attitude and she has a sharp mind. I like Josie and we’d love to see her carry the flag through to the final.
Steve is the hugely disabled, former squaddie, father of eight. I have a problem with Steve. He comes from Leicester. I’ve known – and worked with – a number of people who have come from Leicester and they’ve all been incredibly… boring. Dull. Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull. Steve, conversely, isn’t boring, but his accent automatically brings down the shutters of concentration in my head. But when I dope myself up on Red Bull and extra caffeine, I warm to Steve, I really do. He is one of the truly genuine ‘salt of the earth’ types that the Big Brother selectors have studiously ignored for years. He is also an ex-squaddie so he will know everything about obeying rules and keeping his (metaphorical) head down. As a battle-hardened veteran, he will also be a quiet yet studiously accurate observer of his fellow housemates. Steve exudes honesty, integrity and a simmeringly wicked sense of humour. I’m not sure if his Leicestershire personality is strong enough to see him through to the final, but he will add more value to this house than most of his fellow housemates – combined. p.s. Steve snores. So what? Get over it.
Ben is a cypher. It’s too easy to see Ben as just another posh bloke; we need to look hard at this one, we need to see what’s below the surface. So far Ben’s big talent has been asking questions. Ben has a brain, that much is clear, and his strategy of encouraging others to talk about themselves has, so far, succeeded in keeping his own personality submerged. Is Ben a Daily Mail-contributing crypto-fascist with misogynistic leanings, working hard to expose everyone else’s weaknesses before his own traits come to the surface? Or is Ben a harmless guy whose personality needs the support of everyone else to survive? You decide.
Rachael is as shallow as the most shallow thing you could possibly imagine, and then multiplied the shallowness by ten. Her Beyonce-lookalike days are already fading and, like her career as a sleb-double, her chances of winning Big Brother are slipping away by the hour. Flashes of her real personality and traces of her manipulative skills have so far revealed a couple of cracks of unpleasantness and a nasty attitude lurking below Rachael’s public demeanour. Are those flashes of wholly-owned bitch indications of Rachael’s true personality that she keeps submerged below the far-too-many layers of makeup? There’s only one way to find out.
Edit: 21/06/10: And so the British public did the finding out thing. Rachael was the first to be voted out. Good.
Nathan, the viewers are led to believe, is a 25-year-old tosser from Yorkshire. Actually, I’m not sure he’s really 25. I’m very sure he’s a tosser. It’s proving difficult to find helpful things to say about Nathan, so I’ll stop trying. Nathan doesn’t have the personality to be a very early casualty once the voting starts. But when he does eventually go, it’s safe to say that no-one will miss him.
Edit: 09/07/10: Nathan’s out with 89% of the vote. Yet the truly ironic thing about this result is that Nathan was only put up for the eviction vote because that scheming argumentative bitch Caoimhe swapped her nomination for his name when she won the eviction task.
Dave is one of those rare people that it’s possible to dislike instantly. Setting aside, for a moment, Dave’s admission that he listens to voices in his head and acts upon them, Dave’s personality is just five degrees too fulsome and ten miles an hour too much to cope with. I wonder where the Big Brother residents will be able to hide from Dave’s larger-than-life personality and the interfering busy-body characteristics that most religious do-gooders display, because ‘run and hide for cover’ is my first reaction when I meet people like this. I’m sure that Dave is a lovely bloke. But so was Tommy Cooper, and you wouldn’t want to be stuck in a house with him for weeks on end with no respite, would you?
Caoimhe (pronounced: Caoimhe) hails from Dublin’s fair city. She has a brain but it seems she’s not terribly keen on using it. Apart from having lived in Spain for two years. When she spoke of her romantic interests, Caoimhe said she is currently seeing someone, but says it’s going nowhere. There’s a trend here. Caoimhe seems to have contributed nothing very much to the planet so far. I feel she will continue this trend during tenure in the Big Brother house.
Govan, sadly – like Steve – hails from Leicestershire. I’m trying to put my geographical discrimination behind me, but it’s difficult in the face of such overwhelming adversity. And evidence. Anyway. Govan declares himself to be bisexual and says he’s going in to the Big Brother house to (and I quote) ‘represent his ethnicity and bulldoze stereotypes’. Which is such a shame, because all I’ve seen him do so far is lounge around in bed and bitch about people in an almost non-stop fashion. Maybe he’ll remember why he’s there over the next couple of weeks, but until then I expect him to continue acting like a big two-faced, mealy-mouthed, bitchy little bitch from hell.
Edit: 26/06/10: Govan goes. What’s surprising about this poisonous little bitch’s eviction is the strength of the public vote. There were four candidates for election and yet Govan was voted out by 72% of the vote. 72%! Get out you nasty little piece of work.
Shabby (real name: Keeley, and let’s keep using that from now on) is a squatter. She says she’s keen to transform people’s opinions of squatters. Shabby/Keeley believes she is a citizen of the world. She can not spend more than six months in one place so has to move on. Probably because her room-mates want to kill her after five months. Shabby/Keeley comes across as a spoilt brat of a child, someone who is so used to having her own way that she sees no wrong in living on benefits and hand-outs and sponging off hard-working folk and stealing empty properties. Shabby/Keeley has already had a massive run-in with the Big Brother police over openly discussing nominations, but when she was challenged over her unacceptable behaviour, she responded by shouting that she didn’t understand and then turned to being belligerent and argumentative. What Shabby/Keeley actually represents is the embodiment of the ‘something for nothing’ sub-element of society. She’s not the fun person she thinks she is, and the only people she is challenging is everyone else’s tolerance towards her. Shabby/Keeley deserves the swiftest exit from the Big Brother house and needs to be instantly plunged in to the vat of total obscurity that awaits her. She also needs some professional help because Shabby/Keeley is displaying classic symptoms of Bi-Polar disorder.
Edit: 07/07/10: Unfortunately the Charlie Chaplin lookalike lesbian had some kind of an epiphany that told her how reviled she was by the British public. As a result of her uncannily accurate foresight, this contemptible piece of human garbage walked from the house, thus depriving millions of viewers the sheer delight of watching her get her arse roundly and soundly kicked when she was evicted.
Iffy Ify Ife. Ife is a very beautiful girl who seems to think that Steve is a racist – but stopped short of actually using that word during her nomination interview. Ife is on iffy ground. Has Ife got a chip on her shoulder, or has she got a valid point? You decide. But it will be interesting if any other non-Caucasian people do NOT come up with this thought. Aside from Ife’s almost-vocalised thoughts about Steve, she has contributed remarkably little to the house. Perhaps that’s her strategy. We could call it the ‘iffy do-nothing strategy’?
Edit: 16/07/10: She’s out! With 56.5% of the vote – in a three-way eviction! – Ife has been dumped by the public. Unfortunately she has still not contributed anything to the house.
John James, at first glance, seemed to be the World’s first personality transplant donor. But after five days he suddenly leapt out of his shell and started to show some excellent qualities. That John James has seen through the paper-thin veneer of a number of his housemates is good. That’s he’s had the nerve (or is it naivetÃ©?) to begin vocalising his thoughts in public is truly brilliant. This is either a blinding display of gamesmanship or total stupidity. Either way, it’s epic television.
Sunshine, poor sunshine. I feel so sorry for her. It can’t be easy having a listening disorder. I said it can’t be easy having a listening disorder. Sunshine!!! I said… Oh, forget it.
Edit: 01/07/10: And so Sunshine was voted out. She won’t be missed. Not by anyone.
Corin. It’s not nice to say that someone is brain-dead. So I won’t. But she is. That is all.
Mario, the only inhabitant of the Big Brother house with star appeal straight out of the box. Yes, he spent his first few days dressed in a mole costume. Yes, he seems to have a teeth-brushing OCD fetish. Yes, he’s gay but not overly camp. Yes, he’s infatuated with one of his (straight) housemates. A little bit of unrequited love could go a long, long way for Mario. As the majority of Big Brother voters are female, I think they’ll take pity on this attractive-but-unavailable guy – in their droves. Mario for the season win. And a deserved win too for this likeable, quick-witted guy.