Rndm txts agn. Agn

There are 176 texts in my phone inbox.

Yeah, I’m just a digital hoarder.

But now I need to delete them because my phone is operating against it’s upper margins.

So here are just a few (oldest first)…

Just heading to Morrisons. Meet you there?
it’s Soph. You’ll notice a theme developing. Well, two themes to be totally blunt. Maybe three. πŸ™‚

Feels like we should be healthy tonight… Soup?
this at 12.31

Not bad really. And bloody starving now! Might be chips after all!
this at 18.38

1lb off. Back on target. Definitely chips tonight
this at 19.16. We’re not fickle in our house, oh no!

Your flight EZY6181 is scheduled to depart at 16.20 from Bristol. You can still check in online or at the airport from 14.20
this message comes from easyJet, now spamming a mobile phone near you!

I love you baby and if its quite alright, I need you baby to warm the lonely night… etc. How is my beautiful beau today? Mwah! Xxx
ah, the language of love from my articulate and lovely S.

Effing bloody wanking twatting trains. Late. Yet. Again. Bah bloody humbug!
see just how articulate she can be when she tries? πŸ™‚

Yes 9am-ish. When are you riding next? Vin has lost a shoe.
bloody horse!

Found shoe, going back on tomorrow PM.
yay for Sue!

on a sadder day, these arrived from Hellen, Tracey, Ruth, Ruth, Jodie, Jess and Lotty:
* I’m really sorry to hear that. You’ve done the right thing for B. xx
* Very sorry to hear that. (((big hug))) Ruth. Xx
* I’m really sorry to hear that Brennig but you’ve made the right decision. Thanks for letting me know. Best wishes.
* So sorry to hear. Hugs.
* Terribly sad news. I remember when you bought him and how pleased you were with him. He had a good and happy life with you. I’m so sorry this has happened. Poor Beech. Much sympathy.
* So sorry will be thinking of you. Will call you in a couple of days. Xxx
* I’m really sorry to hear that. Hope you are ok.

the lovely Aussie Sammi came for a few days:
Hi Bren. Sammi here. Just thought I’d let u know that I’m on the train now. It stops at almost every station so I think it gets into Shrub Hill about 2.15 but I was running for the train so I didn’t get the chance to check.

Door’s done. And got your pipes made as well so will put the lorry back together tomorrow.
Gary the reliable lorry mechanic

Are you ok? Just had a mouthful of abuse from some skank who I informed was smoking in a no smoking area. Feel so angry but want to cry. I hate people. Can we buy an island. Please? Love you. X
when a text arrives from Soph that starts ‘Are you ok?’ there’s usually a not very hidden motive.

No worries. Just wrap up warm! Will let you know when we break for tea xxx p.s. poo is not forthcoming from this bottomÒ€¦ Bah!
this would be one of the other themes.

Brennig, hearing from you is one of the best things that could have happened, working from home today, doing about 3,000 miles a month, miss you and Ganz terribly, my heart wasn’t in it after you left. Ian.
I love Ian. I really do. He’s the kind of solid, dependable guy they build companies around. Leaving the place where he’d been working for the last 18 years was hard. But the best thing he could have done for him, and them.

Gyno said I have a deliciously tight cunt and a very lucky husband… ok, not really, but I bet she was thinking it! xxx
Soph? πŸ™‚

From that list, delete My Sims game and H Potter DVD. Already catered for. She also wants Cadbury’s buttons n mint choc chip!
my not at all avaricious ex.

This is an automated message. Please do not reply. You have received one new Dying-for-a-wee-a-gram. Someone you care deeply about is currently waiting for a train and dying for a wee. Thinking fondly of you in her time of need… Thank you for your support.
ah, the toilet theme. πŸ™‚

Brilliant tabloid headline: Dog woman’s arm is saved. Who is this Dog woman? Will she save the world? Or just the chew toys? Genius journalism.
all this and brains and humour too?

I’m dancing at the bus stop No-one seems to want to stand next to me. Don’t know why!
with a touch of mentalist behaviour?

Vin’s torn his rug even more. Is it ok to try the Rambo on him? Didn’t realise it was brand new til I looked!
this was received at 17.00 on the day before Christmas Eve! So not the time to be rushing about doing emergency rug shopping. Bloody horse!

Well I had one before you had yours AND a bit of a runny one about an hour afterwards. So nah! But am very proud of you too. Xxx
the toilet theme, revisited.

Standing in the chemist waiting for my prescription and ready to kill screaming children and their rubbish ineffective mother!
we love children. Couldn’t eat a whole one though.

Well I just had lunch… in bed! So nah! And I’m watching my 2nd film of the day… In bed. I might have another poo too. But my first one was so big perhaps I don’t need to. Xxx
a little bit too much information perhaps? Nah! All part of life’s rich tapestry.

I dreamt I had a hairy chest and back last night. It was horrid. I couldn’t find any clothes to hide it. Scary! Xxx
as scary for me hearing it as it was for you dreaming it.

Hi Brennig thanks for the flowers they are lovely. Trust you two are well? Pete and I are off to NZ on Sunday for month then I start my new job in March. Shane. Xx
Pete and Shane, my two pals and occasional Brixton landlords.

Three – count them – three lbs off! Bring on the chips. Maybe to share though. Love you. Xxx
wrong number?

Happy anniversary. Hope you have a lovely day.
from Ruth – my much ignored friend who I’ve let down badly and feel guilty I’ve done so.

Thank you for my beautiful flowers! Everyone was very jealous. Love you. X
an anniversary present.

I may still be in bed… I don’t understand it. But there it is. Bad bad Sophie x
received on 04/02/08 @ 14.31

Haven’t got as far as putting my knickers on…
received on 04/02/08 @ 15.08

Ahem… cough… erm… no… been asleep mostly… reading… and some rice pudding… and a little trump just then.
received on 04/02/08 @ 15.15

Got my bust measured today… 34DD! Then with a different bra it was an E cup. My lovely puppies! I’m so proud.

Afraid I was right about Vin’s foot. Had pus in the toe. Going to be poulticed for a couple of days. Shoe back on next Weds all being well.
well done to Sue for catching it. Bloody Vin! πŸ™‚

Hello, we are moving on Sat morning are you free to help at all, sorry for short notice.
yeah, I can do that.

We’ve put the shoe back on. He was a little sore still but that was probably just from being shoeless. Looked sound when I turned him out.
gosh, was that really five days ago?

1.5lbs off! Shocker. Must have been that massive poo I had before leaving work! Chips r us!
there is more to life than dieting, pooing and chips. But not much more.

I am now the proud owner of shiny new Prada specs! Everything has sharp lines and definition. The world is no longer wonky! Hoorah!
hoorah for not having a wonky world.

Every child and their pet, subservient parent is out in Worcester today. Did I ever tell you how much I hate children? And chavs? Let’s just bomb the place! Earth, I mean… not just Worcester!
did I mention how much we love children?

Danny and I have split up. Thought you’d want to know. x
ah, the muchly sad Ginny who I love lots and feel very protective towards.

So I can now delete all of these – and the other – texts from my inbox. Phew, that’s a relief!

But not in a toilet kind of way.


Hangin’ on the telephone…

Had a call from Mr Vodafone.

Mr V: Hi Mr Jones, you know that your annual contract has expired?

Mr J: Yes.

Mr V: Well, we’d like to keep you as a customer so if you’re happy with the handset we’d like to give you the next six months line rental at half price.

Mr J: Cool!

Deal done, jobs a good ‘un (as they say in Manchester).