Saturday night in the house of the party animals

It’s 07.43 Sunday morning.

I’m only awake because the wind (outside!) woke me; blowing a gale, rain lashing against the windows.

And I needed a wee.

You know I was knackered yesterday afternoon?

Well today I’m still knackered.

I know going cross country schooling with Vin at Lincomb would have taken a lot out of me, but the hectic world that Soph and I inflict on ourselves added to the burden.

When she got in from work (by the way, have you read her brilliant rant about the twunts who go to the library?) she found me watching Back To The Future.

Asleep.

Not even ‘resting my eyes’, I was full-on out of it.

I even missed the immortal line “Make like a tree… get out of here”.

Arse.

But then things really kicked in and we went in to full party mode.

I got on the phone to Pizza Hut and Soph sat on the couch, looked beautiful and alluring in a gorgeous, desirable way and blogged – because she didn’t want to rant at me

Bless.

And the TV stayed on.

We have FreeView (Freeview? However it’s cased to appear) and that gives us 23 channels to choose from.

So in honour of those 23 channels we watched just one: ITV1 to be precise…

Animals Do The Funniest Things (I really watched just for the equine-related subjects. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it)

Celebrity Mr & Mrs (this programme is really really really is really really really shit. But it did the job while Pizza Hut-delivered products were received and consumed)

Britain’s Got Talent (car crash television for those who don’t want to think. And neither of us wanted to think last night) was followed by

Half of an episode of Pushing Daisies.

Because at around 21.30 I couldn’t cope any longer,.

I slurred (because of tiredness!) that I was going to bed and lurched my way upstairs – my mental and physical faculties already closing down around me, much like HAL’s processes closed down in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I tried to read but couldn’t pick up Clarkson J.

Soph followed me upstairs and performed a strip-tease that was sexually arousing and comedic in almost equal measures.

I wonder if anyone has developed a funny girl striptease? 

Then she went in to the bathroom to ablute and clean teeth and I can’t remember anything else.

Curses.

I think I could have been in there and I blew it.

Or didn’t blew it.

You choose.

And now it’s 08.00.

I’m going to finish what I’m doing, have a shower and a shave and clean my teeth and commit the wickedest of household sins…

Sneak back in to bed and cuddle up to my wife.

B.

Not dead yet

Not for a very long time either!

The Monty Python West End musical ‘Spamalot’ features a sketch based on the original Monty Python TV sketch ‘bring out your dead‘ which features a medieval serf trying to pass off an old man as the corpse of a plague victim (because the people of the time were paid for the plague corpses they produced).

People who go to see Spamalot and buy T-shirts from Ye Olde Rip Offe Shoppe can buy shirts that are emblazoned with the words ‘I’m not dead yet’.

I feel as though I should be wearing mine today.

The schedule of events goes like this – and bear in mind this is all one day – Saturday:

00.45 – vomit and onset of stomach pain
01.30 – pain in every position
02.30 – massive spike of pain. I may have cried for an hour or so
02.45 – stomach became distended and hard
05.00 – went for a walk to try and ease the pain
09.00 – rang NHS direct who did the sharp intake of breath thing and said they’d get a nurse to call me
09.15 – nurse called, did the sharp intake of breath thing and said I should speak to a Doc
10.20 – Doc called, did the sharp intake of breath thing and said I should get to hospital
11.05 – Arrived at the Royal Alexandra hospital in Redditch

11.10 – Seen by duty ‘out of hours’ Doc who diagnosed any of three possible problems, chronic gastric blockage requiring surgery (the exact quote was ‘if it’s that you’ll be seeing the surgeon later today’) or a chronic gastric blockage treatable by non-surgery methods (that was my favourite) or a stone (of the non rolling variety) also requiring surgery. I told him to proceed as if it was option 2!

11.30 – given two shots, one for the pain which almost made me pass out a couple of times during the consultation, one to relax my internal organs. Then given pills, told that things could take up to an hour to work and I should make myself as comfortable as possible (ha!).

12.00 – re-inspected by the Doc – feeling non-vomity and slightly better internally but stomach still as hard as a rock

12.30 – re-inspected by the Doc – still non-vomity, much better internally but worryingly stomach still distended and still as hard as a rock. Doc said the last two things will go away over a week or two. Gave me a box of pills, said I was very lucky as he had me down to be under the knife by 15.00, and instead he shook my hand and sent me on my way.

13.05 – arrived home, crawled in to bed, spoke to The Lovely S to allay her fears, dozed

The evening passed in a blur – I was that tired.

This morning I ate breakfast (porridge and a cup of tea) and medication.

This afternoon we went to see the horses, fed them apples then met The Outlaws (The Lovely S’s platinum parents) at a pub where they bought us lunch (I had soup and dessert).

We all came back home where more cups of tea were followed by a slice of birthday cake.

My stomach is still distended, still hard but I’m not in the least bit of pain and – importantly – I’m keeping my food down.

Tonight is Top Gear followed by A Long Way Down. The former is compulsive viewing, more on the latter in a moment.

I’ll get things ready for tomorrow, go to bed and – ironically – get up in the morning and go to work as if nothing has happened this weekend.

And all I’ve got to show as evidence is a box of hospital-issued medication, a distended stomach and a general lack of sleep.

Weird.

Meanwhile elsewhere…

Right, Long Way Down (BBC2, 21.00 Sundays).

I have a book to review – actually I have two books to review – by a young author called Sam Manicom.

One of his books is his version of ‘A Long Way Down’ – his story of his motorbike journey through Africa – whilst the other book is his version of a motorbike trip through Australia and Asia.

I’m looking forward to reviewing them both – but it’s safe to say right now that unlike the over-moneyed, over-protected, fully-cocooned celebrities who are currently starring in TV’s celeb-love in ‘A Long Way Down’, Sam Manicom made both of these journeys without the hugely expensive backup teams in 4×4’s.

In our contacts to date Sam seems to be personable young author, in the excerpts I’ve read Sam’s work seems very promising.

Time, coursework, the 9-5 and life has stopped me from reviewing his books so far, but I’ve got a clear plan of getting them both done before Christmas.

I’ll let you know how it all pans out but…

Even though I’ve only skimmed his books so far – I’m already recommending the books ‘Into Africa’ and ‘Under Asian Skies’ by Sam Manicom as alternatives to the completely unrealistic ‘A Long Way Down’.

B.

The longest day

Yesterday we:

* left the house at 05.30

* arrived at my place of work at 06.45

* left the workplace at 18.50

* arrived home at 21.30

Today I feel brilliant!

Something wrong here methinks…

🙂

B.

Ill

I’m tucked up in bed with the shakes and aching joints.

Nothing major, just a bunch of ‘cold’ symptoms.

It’s peculiar – being ill.

The manifestation is purely physical. The non-physical – my mental activity (hyper), my sense of humour (in overdrive), my libido (rampant but it isn’t going to happen while I’m feeling like this) are all ticking along at their usual levels.

I’m sure someone somewhere has probably written a very erudite analysis of the states of differentiation between mental and physical beings when the latter is inflicted with an ailment.

I’m almost tempted to flip over to some academic libraries for a browse.

Almost.

🙂

B.

Half man, half couch…

Today:

* Drove The Lovely S to work, then to the yard

* Groomed Beech then turned him out in a very small paddock

* Got Vin in, groomed him, tacked him up (dressage saddle)

* Schooled Vin (flatwork concentrating on transitions and balance for tomorrow’s competition)

* Untacked, groomed then turned him out

* Cleaned his bridle

* Cleaned his dressage saddle

* Cleaned his show-jumping saddle, then

* Retired to the horsebox living accommodation with a hot chocolate and a good book

* Fell asleep

* Woke up after 45 minutes

* Drank cold hot chocolate

* Got Beech in, groomed him again

* Came home

* Got changed

* Made hot chocolate and a sandwich

* Sat on the couch to read

* Fell asleep (again)

* Woke up

* Drank cold hot chocolate (IYSWIM) and ate sandwich

* Washed up

* Went shopping at Morrisons

* Drove to The Lovely S’s workplace, picked her up

* Drove home

* Prepared tea

* Cooked tea

* Loaded the OU software on my laptop

* Served, ate, washed up and now I’m sitting here

* Watching the hilariously deluded and sadly talentless in the first round of The X Factor

* Too tired to move

* Wondering why I’m so tired these days.

Oh-oh.

The Lovely S has just come in to the lounge.

Wearing one of my shirts and nothing else.

Starting to feel perky again.

🙂

B.