Relationships; I’m beginning to think that they’re never quite what I think them to be. I must be flawed. Or have flawed ‘Relationship Vision’.
I’ve been taken by complete surprise in a few relationships; thought things were in one place when right out of the blue I learned that they were somewhere else.
I’ve also seen them slowly, gradually crumble to dust in front of my eyes, eventually vaporise in the space of years to fine particles of almost nothingness and then blow away on the breeze, as impossible to recapture as a fleeting half’memory of a dream upon waking.
It seems as though I might be there again. I was taken totally by surprise during a conversation last night. Far too tired, I couldn’t really engage on all cylinders; I could only have a half-hearted attempt at trying to find out what’s wrong with me, before I fell unconsciously asleep.
And today I don’t know where I am. It’s as though my entire compass has shifted. After years of having my feet on the ground and being aware of everything around me, it’s as though I don’t know where my north or my south is any more.
WH Auden got it right when he wrote:
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
I am confused to the point of bewilderment. I thought we had overcome things. I thought they were behind us. But now it seems that they are actually still with us and also… that I am the cause.
I want to go home but I don’t know where home is any longer.