Blindsided

Relationships; I’m beginning to think that they’re never quite what I think them to be. I must be flawed. Or have flawed ‘Relationship Vision’.

I’ve been taken by complete surprise in a few relationships; thought things were in one place when right out of the blue I learned that they were somewhere else.

I’ve also seen them slowly, gradually crumble to dust in front of my eyes, eventually vaporise in the space of years to fine particles of almost nothingness and then blow away on the breeze, as impossible to recapture as a fleeting half’memory of a dream upon waking.

It seems as though I might be there again. I was taken totally by surprise during a conversation last night. Far too tired, I couldn’t really engage on all cylinders; I could only have a half-hearted attempt at trying to find out what’s wrong with me, before I fell unconsciously asleep.

And today I don’t know where I am. It’s as though my entire compass has shifted. After years of having my feet on the ground and being aware of everything around me, it’s as though I don’t know where my north or my south is any more.

WH Auden got it right when he wrote:
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong
.

I am confused to the point of bewilderment. I thought we had overcome things. I thought they were behind us. But now it seems that they are actually still with us and also… that I am the cause.

I want to go home but I don’t know where home is any longer.

B.

Depression bites

I wondered if it would, had dared to think I might have got away with it.

But today, from the moment I woke up, I knew I was facing another episode. One of the top two worst episodes of my life. Not that that’s a banner I’d actually want.

As the day progressed my inner mood has become darker and darker until it reached the current point, this stage of near total blackness.

And bleakness.

And blankness.

Because there is a blankness – a deadness inside – where normally the place in which my feelings and emotions can be found.

This place where I am right now, it is terrible.

There is no comfort here – happiness never existed, no chance of even a crumb of comfort.

There is just deadness, and a sense of sadness on a par with your favourite loved one suddenly – and – unexpectedly dying in a tragic, pointless way.

There is no loved one who can administer a simple remedy.

There is no antidote to this enormous sense of despair.

There is no cure.

There is just…

More.

Of the same.

A relentless barrage of black, dead, nothingness enveloping every single fibre of me.

Cutting me off from the world.

Isolating me in a place of despair.

And I need an escape.

I can’t take this relentless pressing blackness; it’s far more than I can bear.

The pressure is so great it almost squeezes the air out of me, making breathing difficult.

I have no dignity. I have no pride. I have no self-belief.

I have nothing.

And I want a way out.

I need to leave this place and I need to leave it now.

B.

Not Right

There are those who know me who would say that I never am, but today I am more Not Right than usual.

‘Off Balance’ might be another phrase.

‘Out of Sorts’.

I prefer ‘Not Right’.

I don’t know why, I have nothing in particular to be disatisfied with.

It’s been the most productive day at work this month – a number of outstanding issues just falling in to place, other people contributing informatin I’ve been in need of, new solutions making themselves apparent.

Melancholy – that’s how Wordsworth would have described me today.

Even the news that the This Reality podcast is currently ranked 3,524 out of 39,498 doesn’t lift my mood.

Miserable bugger.

B.

Morningtime blues

I don’t know why. It just is.

Anyway the tuned-to-my-mental-state-iPod served this up:

The River, by Breed 77 from the album Cultura

In the morning I am empty
Of everything I used to be
I will write away my feelings
So no one would ever read
If I had all of the answers
I could poor salt on my wounds
I could fill this room with sorrow
So no one would ever see

I want to wake up and drink from your river
I want to reach out and tear down the sky
To know I’m alive
I want to learn how to feel without bleeding
I want to learn how to live by your side
You’re no longer mine

And why
We gotta swim against the tide to each other
Find the other side of the river
And why

If I offered you a picture
And the paint is yet to dry
Could you live with just a whisper?
A flower is meant to die
If I had all of the answers
I could poor salt on my wounds
I could fill this room with sorrow
So no one would ever see

I want to wake up and drink from your river
I want to reach out and tear down the sky
To know I’m alive, yeah
I want to learn how to feel without bleeding
I want to learn how to live by your side
To know that you’re mine

And why
We gotta swim against the tide to each other
Find the other side of the river
And why
We gotta swim against the tide to each other
Find the other side of the river

I want to wake up and drink from your river
I want to reach out and tear down the sky
To know I’m alive, yeah
I want to learn how to feel without bleeding
I want to learn how to live by your side
You’ll never be mine

Why
We gotta swim against the tide to each other
Find the other side of the river
And why
We gotta swim against the tide to each other
Find the other side of the river

Goodnight

Aching to say something original, aching to say nothing at all

I sit at my desk and sniff my (peers in to the Styrofoam mug) vegetable broth – allegedly – and feel…

Listless.

Burnt out.

They’re the best descriptions I have but I’m not sure they’re wholly accurate.

It’s as though my life has reached a point, a turning point? A jumping on/jumping off point?

The best name my heart has for it is a pivotal place.

I suppose it could be the weather.

Or the time of year.

Or a combination of both.

Or some other factor, as yet unidentified.

But it’s as though I need to spring-clean my life.

I am full of thoughts, words and deeds, yet struggle to even find the time to get many of them out.

Some thoughts remain unvoiced for reasons other than the almost crippling lack of time that seems constant in my life these days; not waking the thoughts behind them is the easier course of action, less painful in the short term.

In the long term? Who knows?

It’s as though there is a feeling of… discontent?

Yes…

There’s a feeling of discontent sitting heavily in my belly like a too-large meal I shouldn’t have eaten; making me feel uncomfortable and no new position, no amount of shuffling about in my chair can ease this unhappy restlessness, replace it with something less troublesome.

So many words, feelings, emotions, thoughts – all needing to come out, be inspected, sorted and graded, have the bad removed from the good and discarded.

And there seems to be lots of badness inside me lately.

Which is quite a scary thing, for a person with as much goodness, as many good things in his life, as many riches as I am blessed, to have so much badness inside.

And bitterness. Much bitterness.

Emotion; lots of that too.

Aye, it’s probably the weather; the relentless grey skies, the pissing down in a forty days and forty nights kind of rain, the dark mornings, the dark evenings, the cold.

Probably.

B.