I saw Now You See Me – the first one – a while ago.
It was a good fun flick, all about a group of magicians called The Horsemen, and how they use their magical powers to take down a bad guy.
So I thought I’d give Now You See Me 2 a go.
You know when you crawl out of bed at 3am, barely awake, and totter towards the bathroom, and just as you walk in you stub your toe and the vicious pain flashes your brain like a lightning bolt, straight in to your cerebral cortex?
And in the three seconds immediately afterwards, you believe that things can’t ever get any worse?
Well this is worse.
This is so much worse.
This is even worse than being force-fed a non-stop diet of Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie on permanent repeat cycle for 36 straight hours.
Now You See Me 2 starts with a Houdiniesque trick being performed in dangerous circumstances.
The trick doesn’t end well.
Fast forward to a very long and tedious voiceover from God.
I can’t remember what God said, it wasn’t very memorable, although God had a Really Great Voice.
There’s a cop who has spent a year looking for the Horsemen because they went in to hiding after their last gig.
So, the Horsemen have been Working On Something for months.
And then we’re at a posh software unveiling ‘do’, and the Horsemen are walking around talking in to their wrists and listening to their fingers in their ears and wearing dark glasses and being mysterious and talking REALLY REALLY FAST and a woman cuts off her hand with an electric carving knife and someone hypnotises someone else and then this guy (don’t know who) but he was key in the posh software ‘do’ exposes himself as a fraud and then the Horsemen burst on the scene and the audience claps and cheers and there’s lights and lasers and then the FBI shows up and then the Horsemen show goes tits up and then there’s more running and more REALLY FAST TALKING and sliding down construction tubes and landing in laundry baskets in a kitchen because yeah, laundry baskets and kitchens always go together in nobody’s world ever, and then the Horsemen find out that the slidey tubey thing they jumped in to from a rooftop in New York has dumped them in the middle of a Chinese city in actual China YES IN ACTUAL CHINA then on the soundtrack there’s some hardcore Chinese rap (not wrap, ahahahahahaha!) and then God calls the FBI dude but on a phone not through Divine Intervention and then we’re back in Macao riding around in some badass blacked out Landrover Defenders and there’s a badguy who is the Annoying Twin of one of the Horsemen and the badass blacked out Landrover Defenders rock up at the Sands Hotel and there’s some REALLY LOUD HENDRIX and then we meet the guy who stuffed up the big Horsemen show that went tits up and OH MY GOD IT’S HARRY ACTUAL POTTER.
With a beard, for sure, but it’s Harry Actual Potter.
Harry Actual explains to the Horsemen that well I don’t know what but something about privacy and science and not magic and when they slid down the tubey thing in New York they were hypnotised in to a trance then put on a private plane and flown to Macau and then pushed down another tube which woke them up in a laundry basket in a kitchen in Macao and that’s how the tubey slidey thing worked.
What Harry Actual Potter wants, Harry Actual explains, is revenge. He wants the Horsemen to steal something as revenge because he was wronged by a business partner. Why don’t you just magic him Harry Actual, I shout at the TV.
Oh, by the way. Morgan Freeman = God.
And now, back to the film.
God and the FBI dude are on a private jet from I don’t care where to somewhere else I don’t care about and I may have lost the will to live here and then the Horsemen are Planning Their Big Heist that they’re going to carry out for Harry Actual Potter and it involves stealing a computer chip that wait for it just happens to be the same size and the same shape as a playing card and who the heck saw that coming?
Yeah, we all did, right?
There’s a superdooperdatacentre which can cater for 820 squillion miles of digisynpatic hypertechnical buzzwords per nicrosecond.
There’s some distraction from the Horsemen and while the distraction is going on one of the Horsemen gets his hands on the chip that’s shaped just like a playing card and then the Horsemen are being searched and while they’re being searched they flip-pass the chip around between themselves and it’s all starting to get really ridiculous as the card/chip switches from the person who is being searched to another person who is being searched to another person who is being searched to another person who is being searched back to another person who is being searched back to another person who is still being searched back to another person who is still being searched until finally THEY HAVE ALL BEEN SEARCHED and they’re leaving the hypercool datacentre and then there’s another game of slight of hand and then the Horsemen are out with the card/chip…
I fell asleep.
I really don’t know what the point is of Now You See Me 2.
But if you want to go and see a film with people talking REALLY REALLY QUICKLY and walking around fast and lots of deception and acres of special effects, and an incomprehensible storyline, then this is the film for you.
Either the film is too clever for me, or I’m too clever for it.
Not even God was any good in this one.
Don’t see it, you’ll only encourage them.