I’m now going to prove that the phrase ‘tea, a drink with jam and bread’ is a load of old tosh.
A great deal has been written about tea, how to grow it, how to make it, and how to drink it.
Unfortunately a great deal of that great deal is actually nothing more than a great deal of rubbish.
I can remember, as a young boy, being taught how to make the correct cup of tea:
- The correct amount of tea to spoon in to the pot
- The correct temperature for the water to pour
- The correct amount of boiled water to be poured on to the correct amount of tea
- The correct amount of time…
Well, you get the picture, right?
Well today, my friend, I’m going to break the first rule of the tea club.
I’m not going to teach you the *correct* way to make tea.
Today I’m going to share with you how to make the *perfect* cup of tea; no correctness about it.
Let’s begin by describing the perfect cup (or mug) of tea, OK?
The perfect cup of tea is strong, and unsweetened, right?
So here we go.
The perfect cup of tea starts with the time.
The time is 05.30 (that’s 5.30am), and the rest of the process goes like this:
- Get out of bed. Fall over a cat. Go downstairs. Fall over another cat
- Fill the kettle with water. Fall over another cat
- Switch the kettle on. Fall over another cat
- Empty the dishwasher
- Put a teabag in a cup (mug)
- Put down four lots of cat biscuits. Fall over at least two cats
- Slowly pour the boiled water over the teabag in the cup (mug), until the level is about 1/2″ below the rim
- Take a teaspoon and a fork from the cutlery drawer
- Gently agitate the bag (this does not mean slapping her on the arse and saying ‘two sugars please’) with the fork for five seconds
- Fall over a cat
- Get the skimmed milk out of the fridge (any other kind of milk is the sperm of the devil and should be discarded immediately)
- Gently agitate the bag with the fork for another five seconds
- Get a small bowl out. Half-fill the bowl with Shreddies.
- Fall over a cat
- Add a small amount of skimmed milk to the Shreddies.
- Fall over another cat
- Gently agitate the bag with the fork for five more seconds
- With the teaspoon and the fork, gently compress the teabag until there is no liquid left to come out
- Slowly stir the tea and very slowly add a very very small amount of milk
- Put the milk back in the fridge falling, as you go, over a cat
- Take the cup (mug) of tea, the teaspoon, and the bowl of Shreddies upstairs
- Get in to bed
- Eat the Shreddies
- Drink the tea
Enjoy your start to the day.