Some very random words are flashing through my sleepy head but I can’t go to bed because its not even 8.45 yet!
A gazillion years ago there used to be a television quiz programme on ITV called Blockbusters – hosted by Bob Holness. Yes, I know the Americans also had the same programme, but that’s not the point.
Where the fuck is my fucking coat? Which character delivered that line and in which film? It’s a brilliant line, I love it.
I didn’t really like Blockbusters that much, the questions weren’t exactly challenging; it was the working against the clock factor that made the programme difficult.
Peter: No surprises?
Mark: No surprises.
Peter: Not like the stag night?
Mark: Unlike the stag night.
Peter: Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?
Mark: I do.
Peter: And it would have been much better if they’d not turned out to be men?
Mark: That is true.
The thing was, with Blockbusters, was that some of the irritatingly smug school-age children had brains *and* a sense of humour. ‘I’ll have a P please Bob always made me smirk’, as did the slightly more risque ‘I’ll have an E please Bob’.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
Billy Mack: For what?
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn’t often happen here at “Radio Watford” I can tell you.
Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I’ll tell you the truth.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Uh, best shag you’ve ever had?
Billy Mack: Britney Spears.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow!
Billy Mack: No, only kidding. She was rubbish.
Anyway, you’re probably wondering why your computer is spewing random words at you right now, right? Well the answer is simple. I think I’m suffering from Cabin Fever. Or perhaps it’s a form of electronic Tourette’s Syndrome.
Karen: So what’s this big news, then?
Daisy: [excited] We’ve been given our parts in the nativity play. And I’m the lobster.
Karen: The lobster?
Karen: In the nativity play?
Daisy: [beaming] Yeah, *first* lobster.
Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
I’ve been alone in the house all day; snowbound. I’ve been hugely productive. And I’ve watched a little television. And snacked. And walked around the block and helped retrieve a neighbour’s van from where he’d successfully wedged it across the road junction. He’s a twunt who can’t drive. Well, he’s also just a twunt.
[Natalie, a secretary, is greeting the Prime Minister]
Natalie: Hello, David. I mean “sir”. Shit, I can’t believe I’ve just said that. And now I’ve gone and said “shit” – twice. I’m so sorry, sir.
Prime Minister: It’s fine, it’s fine. You could’ve said “fuck,” and then we’d have been in real trouble.
Natalie: Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was gonna fuck up on the first day. Oh, piss it!
But due to the twunting behaviour of twunts like my twuntish neighbour I was even twunting unable to get up to the stables to see my boys, because these twunts don’t know how to drive in snow and/or icy conditions. Honestly, last night I followed a guy on the same country lane from the stables and he was barely motoring along at 5 – that’s FIVE – mph. Which as anyone can tell you would be a borderline acceptable speed for flat bits, way too fast for downhill bits and completely and totally fucking in- fucking eff- fucking ective – INEFFECTIVE – at getting yon twuntish driver up the numerous hills en route. Actually, his borderline 5mph failed to get him up even just *one* of the hills.
Jamie: [in English] It’s my favourite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It’s the saddest part of my day, leaving you.
Anyway, I love you. Have I said that lately? I don’t say it often enough, I know. But it’s true. I love you. But don’t worry, I’m sure this Cabin Fever will pass. Who knows, I might even be back to normal tomorrow. Now that is scary!
Thank you. That will be nice. Yes is being my answer. Easy question.
The quotes come from the film Love Actually. I’m feeling very ‘lovey’. Can you tell?