Alone

Sophie has gone to her parents. Maybe for the weekend, maybe for longer.

Her words, that she needed to spend time alone to sort out her ‘fucked head’, really didn’t sound ironic when she said them, yesterday evening.

And yet no sooner was she heading towards the family who dote on her and love her and will treat her as if everything is all right and who won’t once ask her to consider what she’s doing to me, because she is the centre of their universe, not me, only when she was on her way did it dawn on me that I’m the one who is alone now.

But I’m not the one who needs to sort out his head.

I thought we’d pulled things together; there is no doubt that over the last year we have worked on our marriage and have drawn ourselves even closer to each other than we were before we hit troubled waters.

I thought we were good, that we were strong, that we were comfortable and comforting and, well, that we were a couple.

But yesterday evening, when she came home from work in tears and out of the blue she hit me with those words, my world tilted upside-down for the second time in a year.

So I’m in the house, alone, while she nestles in the bosom of her loving family.

Sleepless in Oxfordshire, for sleep, like a calm head, successfully evaded me all night long.

This hiatus might be for the weekend but I don’t know.

I don’t know what’s in her head.

I don’t know how, within the space of hours, we can go from a platform of love and laughter, conversation, companionship and easy comfort, to her walking out.

And wiping her feet on me, on the way.

Yes, I do feel like a doormat; I feel used and abused.

None of this is of my making.

But I’ve tried – oh God I’ve tried so hard – to deal with this and repair this, I’ve given so much to this relationship, and tried to restore the old qualities that were so brutally torn away.

But now.

Now I’m not sure how much more I can take.

The only thing that’s keeping me going is the horses, but I feel as if the heart has been ripped out of me.

‘Devastated’ doesn’t come close to describe the feeling of abandonment that surrounds me.

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14 Responses to Alone

  1. Daniel says:

    Sorry to hear that – I hope that things can be worked out.

  2. Perpetual says:

    Sorry Bren. You know where I am.

  3. LizSara says:

    Sorry seems inadequate somehow Bren. I hope Soph can work her head out and you can sort yourselves out again together. Much love for both of you x

  4. Hilary Usfun says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this – will be thinking of you.

  5. Masher says:

    Crikey. Don’t know what to say, mate.
    Fingers crossed for you both.

  6. bluesoup says:

    You know what I think about this.

    But something else strikes me:

    “But I’ve tried – oh God I’ve tried so hard – to deal with this and repair this, I’ve given so much to this relationship, and tried to restore the old qualities that were so brutally torn away.”

    Yes, you have tried, both on the surface and deep down.

    But, has she? I mean, surface smoothing aside…?

  7. Sally says:

    Sending you big hugs x

  8. Sally says:

    (Sending hugs to both of you, actually …)

  9. The Merry says:

    Words seem inadequate at a time like this. I wish I did have some words of wisdom that would make sense of this.
    All I do know is that you have a load of imaginary internet people who follow your blog and are sending you virtual hugs.

  10. Masher says:

    I’m imaginary?
    Arse!

  11. Brennig says:

    Thanks, everyone.

  12. Vicola says:

    Relationships are two people, not just one and if only one of you is working at it then things are going to end up all lopsided. Tell her how you feel, how much her just walking out hurt you, if you don’t tell her she won’t know the impact it’s had. Best wishes to both of you, I hope you’re okay.

  13. Shane says:

    I think what Vicola says, is really important – as direct and potentially further upsetting as it may be. That whole feeling of doormat isn’t good, and should be pointed out. And whilst I admire the frankness with which you’ve written this, I hope there’s nothing in it that Sophie will read/learn from it, that she hasn’t heard you say to her before.

    And my regards to your trusty steeds.

    (Would have commented sooner, but my blog aggregator seems slow at flagging up new posts)

  14. nuttycow says:

    Urg Bren – not fun times for you or Soph. Will email. x