Listen up, fuckwits

You know who you are.

Drivers on the M40 motorway – through Oxfordshire and Buckinghamshire , that’s who. Or ‘bad drivers on the M40’ might be more accurate.

Here’s the news.

Some days – not all days, sure, but just now and then – I will be driving down (and returning back up) the aforementioned motorway.

And if you either do not know what the law says about motorway driving (or you do know what it says but you choose to ignore it), or if you are simply just incapable of changing lanes, be warned.

I am on the case.

I am on *your* case.

I am going to find a way to fix up my new digital videocam, and attach it to the dashboard of my car.

And I am going to record your incapabilities.

I’m also going to publish them to the world on YouTube.

And guess what?

I’m going to include your registration number.

Why am I going to do this?

Because the sights I saw on the M40 this morning terrified the absolute fucking daylights out of me.

So here’s a primer:

  1. Keep to the left-hand lane at all times, *unless* you are actually overtaking another vehicle
  2. If you need to overtake another vehicle, move from the left-hand lane in to the 1st overtaking lane and complete the manoeuvre.
  3. When you have finished overtaking, see 1. above
  4. If you need to overtake a vehicle which is itself in the 1st overtaking lane because it is overtaking a slower vehicle, move in to the 2nd overtaking lane and complete the manoeuvre.
  5. When you have finished overtaking, see 1. above
  6. There are no exceptions to these rules.
  7. BMW and Mercedes drivers are not, contrary to popular misconception, subject to a different set of laws.

Thank you.

And have a nice day.

p.s. I am back!

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8 Responses to Listen up, fuckwits

  1. bluesoup says:

    Welcome back!

    As a miserable git who has to make my daily commute by car, I hear everything you say! Lane discipline in the UK is awful. Everyone just sits in the middle lane. Grrrr!

  2. Mya says:

    What about me? I drive a Lambo – am I exempt? I drive so fast, I’m barely visible.
    Glad Soph is back – I really hope you work things out.

    Mya xx

  3. Perpetual says:

    It was even worse on the M5 & M6 today.

  4. Vicola says:

    Hurrah, glad to have you back. I commute on the motorway daily and it is terrifying. From the wankers who swerve wildly into a tiny space in front of andTHEN indicate once the move is completed, the wankers who drive up on to your bumper flashing and beeping because you’re only overtaking the car to your left at 80 not the 110 that they want to drive at, the lorries that don’t use their mirrors and my personal favourites, morons sat in the fast lane at 50mph while the traffic in the middle lane merrily whizzes past at 70 or people reading bits of paper propped on the steering wheel while going down the motorway. It’s not a massive surprise there’s an accident on the M60 most days.

  5. Masher says:

    I spent 5 hours on the motorway yesterday. In that time, I saw most of the misdemeanours mentioned above.

    It’s also possible that I did one or two of them myself.

  6. Brennig says:

    All I need to do is figure out how to attach the vidcam on to the dashboard.

  7. Lis of the North says:

    Huh. At least there’s a word (well, two words) for “lane discipline” in the UK. I wish the French had this concept. I wish the French would stop drifting on roundabouts. I wish the French knew how to negotiate roundabouts properly. This is before they even get on the multi-lane highways!
    Brennig do share the secrets of how to make the technology magic work. I love this idea. I want to do this. 🙂

  8. Brennig says:

    Lis, it’s just a compact digital video camera, but I need a secure mounting before I can use it.