Chav eavesdropping

Parental advisory warning: obfuscated rude words ahead

Lunchtime today, yours truly standing in line to pay for a few trinkets bought at a branch of Woolies in a small town on the edge of the Cotswolds.

Behind me are three chavs college students, two girls and a boy.

One of the girls will be 18-years-old next week (happy birthday girlie chav, btw!).

The conversation centred on what presents she would be getting from various folk and how much each person would have spent on her.

Playstation 3 and various other TechiToys(tm) figured largely until girlie chav no. 2 asked what birthday girlie chav had asked her mum for.

For a split second I wondered precisely what a 17-year-old, soon to be 18-year-old girl would ask her mother for as a birthday present.

Birthday girlie chav broke through my concentration with her answer.

“Well, I’ve asked for a course of laser hair removal treatment.”

She then went on to make it abundantly clear which part of her body she wanted the laser hair removal beams pointed at.

And I wondered how that conversation would have run in soon-to-be-birthday-chav’s house:

Chav’s mum: What do you want for your 18th dear?

Chav: Well mum, what I’d really like is a course of laser hair removal treatment.

Chav’s mum: That would be nice dear, but it might be expensive to get both legs done.

Chav: Well actually mum, it’s not my legs I want done, it’s my cnut.

Chav’s mum: Oh I see! Well, because it’s a much smaller area than both legs I think I can afford that.

Chav: Thanks mum. It’s just such a hassle having to shave it all the time (she actually said this in the queue at Woolies!).

Well, maybe my imagined conversation is completely wrong, but just how does a soon-to-be-18-year-old girl have a conversation with her mother about having her pubic hair removed?

Would the mother ask why? And would she be told that it makes cunnilingus so much more enjoyable for her boyfriend (or girlfriend!)?

Or would the mother smile, say ‘That’s lovely dear, would you like a cake as well?’ and reach for her chequebook?

And is it only me who finds it bizarre on three levels:

1. That an almost 18-year-old girl has identified she (or someone!) prefers her cnut to be smooth

2. That the girl has made this known to her mother, and

3. That the mother is providing a course of pubic hair laser removal treatment for her daughter

Sorry – four things:

4. And that birthday-girlie-chav is discussing the removal of her pubic hair in a not quiet voice whilst standing in a queue for the cash desk in Woolies.


Just me then.

But for the record, as someone who loves delivering cunni…


Not here?

Fair enough.


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8 Responses to Chav eavesdropping

  1. Mya says:

    I’m not sure I’d feel entirely comfortable having a high powered laser bearing down on that part of my anatomy. What if it was training day and you got a bit overcooked?

    Mya x

  2. Ginny says:

    My reaction to this post takes one of two forms.

    One: Despair at my peers.

    Two: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

  3. Chloé says:

    I’m clearly against getting this part of my anatomy totally shaved. I know this is how they do it in, hmm, adults films, but hello, I’m not a little girl any more, I do have hair down there.

    But nicely trimmed short is an entirely different story.

    Even though I would never dream of discussing it with my mother.

  4. Moobs says:

    I think times have moved on. If the girl is 18 there is a decent chance she is a mother herself. If Mum dos not cough up they can always argue the toss on Jeremy Kyle.

  5. Brennig says:

    Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to y’all – I spent last night re-editing a course submission.


    Mya, you have a fair point. But don’t you know that these beauty treatment folk go through extensive training that lasts absolutely ages and sometimes as long as, umm, days? 🙂

    Ginny, I was a little Eeeeew too (poet, know it) when I tried to imagine the conversation between birthday Chav and mother. I mean, who discusses such things as pubic hair topiary with their mother??

    And Chloé – you made the point that was making me Eeeeew. Although (and only because I’m a boy) thanks for the info on your own erm installation. (I might get smacked for that one, tonight). 🙂

    But it is Moobs who – in a single stroke of genius – has not only summed everything up but also managed to invoke the God of all that is Chavness: Jeremy Kyle. Brilliant!

  6. SG says:

    It’s amazing what people talk about in a public place with no hint of embarassment. Yuk.

    BTW, I love the phrase “pubic hair topiary”

  7. froggywoogie says:

    I’m so disappointed you didn’t figure out the next conversation during the birthday party:
    Mum: “Happy Birthday darling, see you’re 18 now, it’s such an important event that I’ve invited your grandparents and all of our friends to share this moment with us. Now, would you please be so kind and show them your birthday present?”

  8. Brennig says:

    Froggywoogie: That’s brilliant! I’m laughing and going ‘Eeeww’ at the same time. 🙂