A day trip

Today I went to London. Just to see if it was real. I took a HUGE bag of Sandwich Spread sandwiches. Unfortunately the sandwiches were mostly gone by the time I got there. How did that happen? I wish I knew. Really. But it seems to happen almost every time I take home-made sandwiches with me. Bizarre. Anyway. It was an enjoyable trip; I do like the broadband WiFi on the journey.

Starbucks have taken the process of buying coffee, ripped the heart and soul out of the experience, burned the mortal remains until there is almost nothing left, liquidised the ashes in to a smoothie, fed the drink to a 23-year-old, lame, partially-sighted mule and then shot the mule. Twice. This afternoon I went in to a branch of Starbucks. The length of the queue should have put me off, but no, I stood in line with all the other lemons. As I slowly shuffled forwards, like a cold-war Babushka gradually taking root in a queue for half a loaf of mouldy bread in a Moscow bakers, I could hear the rat-a-tat interrogation of the guy behind the counter. All I wanted was a coffee. With every passing second, my desire to be *there*, in that queue, surrounded by tourists waiting for the inevitable ‘grande non-fat ice white mocha no whip rikki-tikki-tavi fellatio cunnilingus MOT-fail welding heinz 57 with extra giraffe and a side helping of kangaroo and brick catfood‘ interrogation at the cash till; my need to be *there* just unwrapped like the peel off an apple, and dropped away until all I had left was the word ‘coffee’. I turned and walked out.

Twitter is currently enduring my one-word-a-thon #twitterporn. I feel a bit sorry for it.

Chocolate is about to be taken, and accompanied by a mug of hot tea. Oh yes!

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8 Responses to A day trip

  1. Ash says:

    I had a similar thing at Starbucks too. It was awful. Why do different coffee houses require you to have different names for what is essentially S,M,L? I hate it. And then there’s the indignity of not knowing where to stand, because you expect your coffee to be given to you somewhere near the till; so of course they move you to the bottom of the counter where you stand like a duck on a frozen lake wondering, “Where the fuck am I going to sit?”

    When you do eventually get the enormous truck you accidentally ordered, you wheel it over to the sugar station where there are a variety of cocking shit fucking sugars and stirrers to get to grips with before you dispose (carefully and responsibly) of your rubbish.

    Then you realise your potential seat in Shitarses has gone, your coffee tastes like muddy sugar and you’ve spent your money and wasted the last 8 minutes of your fucking life listening to the latest Sting album at a suitably low, yet memorable, volume.

  2. Oxfordmike says:

    I am currently enjoying the twitterporn. I’m not sure what that says about me :-s

    As for coffee, I generally ask for a regular latte. Anything else gets the respsonse “no”. SOMETIMES it actually works…

  3. Krazy Kitty says:

    I’ve never been to a Starbucks outside the US. Do they char their coffee beans in the UK as well or is it just here, to cater to the American concept of dark roast (if you still see some beans among the ashes, then it’s not dark enough)? Then of course you need to mask the burnt taste, which explains the copious addition of fat, sugar, and a giraffe.

    Also, while I’m complaining about coffee houses chains: a cappuccino doesn’t have milk in it. It has milk foam, on top.

  4. Brennig says:

    Ash, you are a God amongst men.

    Mike, It says you are a little bit peculiar. But we may have known that already… 🙂

    KK, Yes, they do that in the UK too (haven’t been to a Starbucks outside of the US/UK. And you are right of course, a cappuccino does NOT have milk in it. And also, the correct way to ask for a Latte is ‘Cafe Latte’ or ‘Latte Coffee’ because ‘Latte’ means milk and if you order ‘a Latte’, you’re ordering just milk. There. I said it.

  5. Oxfordmike says:

    KrazyKitty- Actually, a cappucino should be equal amounts espresso, hot milk and milk foam. If you only want coffee and foam you need a Macchiato. I have spent far too much of my working life making coffees..!

  6. Vicola says:

    Starbucks is Satan’s coffee emporium. Fact. It’s always wiser to find a little coffee house tucked away down a backstreet because a) You won’t want to claw out your eyes after standing in a queue for half an hour gagging for caffeine b) The product you get will taste like coffee not chemically enhanced pee and c) It’ll be several quid cheaper.

  7. Ha ha! I love it! There is nothing better than a long-winded eloquent rant……. go Bren go!