Sick of this mind, of the mother fucking kid, that’s behind
All this commotion; emotions run deep as oceans exploding
Tempers flaring from parents, just blow em off, and keep on going
Not taking nothing from no one, give em hell, long as I’m breathing.
Keep kicking ass in the morning, and taking names in the evening
Leave them with the taste of sour with vinegar in they mouth
See? They can trigger me, but they’ll never figure me out
The bile, the hatred, the anger and the rage that Eminem shows the world in his track ‘Cleanin’ Out My Closet’ is painfully beautiful.
No, I’m not going to get all arty-farty. This isn’t one of my music reviews.
What this is, is an attempt to explain – without going in to too much detail – why I’m not going to republish the secret blog, or the ‘Big Reveal’ post.
I began writing the secret blog years ago, February 10th 2009, to be specific.
When I started chronicling the utter mess that was my married life at that time, I had no intention of sharing it with the wider public.
That place was, simply, a dumping ground; a place to help me process and deal with my worst fears, as I uncovered a terrible situation.
And, on a positive note, it was also a place where I could record the rise from that painful place as we repaired ourselves, healed our relationship, and got things back on track.
That’s what the secret blog was for.
In the last few months, when doubts began circulating about my marriage once more, it seemed logical to append my thoughts to the secret blog; though now, in retrospect, I’m not convinced that was an entirely sound idea.
The motivations behind writing and publishing The Big Reveal post on this website, a couple of days ago, were twofold.
Firstly, I wanted to warn and educate one person.
Secondly, I wanted to punish two other people and warn another.
It was for that last reason that I linked to, and therefore made public, the secret blog.
Not to punish Sophie; I could see what she was going through. Although it wasn’t as painful as the place I was in, she was in a hurtful place.
She wasn’t the victim, obviously, that was me. But she was still hurting.
What I wanted to do was to punish the others; so I put their names in the posts on the secret blog and made the website public.
If you’re expecting me to say that in doing that I was wrong, you’re mistaken.
I still believe it was right to punish the people who inflicted such terrible pain on me.
But the way I did it wasn’t right.
And now, thanks to wiser heads and counsel, cooler thinking has prevailed.
The Big Reveal post will stay as it is, the secret blog will not get republished.
Punishment comes in many forms, and there is more than one way to deliver it.
I have no desire to punish Sophie any further, but if even the mere *threat* of exposure means that the others involved spend the rest of their lives looking over their shoulders, wondering if, or when, I’m going to drop the other shoe, I would be content with that.
Knowledge is power, and I believe that right now, I am sitting in the seat of knowledge.
See what hurts me the most, is you wont admit you was wrong
Bitch, do your song, keep telling yourself that you was a mom
But how dare you try to take what you didn’t help me to get
You selfish bitch, I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit!
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be
That’s some quality rage there, from Eminem. Directed at his mother, sure, but rage and anger are rage and anger, no matter who the targets are.
While I believe I could outpoint his anger, I think in taking this sideways step I’m being way more canny.
My nuclear deterrent will stay, I hope, unused.