Cleanin’ out my closet (and crime and punishment)

Sick of this mind, of the mother fucking kid, that’s behind
All this commotion; emotions run deep as oceans exploding
Tempers flaring from parents, just blow em off, and keep on going
Not taking nothing from no one, give em hell, long as I’m breathing.
Keep kicking ass in the morning, and taking names in the evening
Leave them with the taste of sour with vinegar in they mouth
See? They can trigger me, but they’ll never figure me out

The bile, the hatred, the anger and the rage that Eminem shows the world in his track ‘Cleanin’ Out My Closet’ is painfully beautiful.

No, I’m not going to get all arty-farty. This isn’t one of my music reviews.

What this is, is an attempt to explain – without going in to too much detail – why I’m not going to republish the secret blog, or the ‘Big Reveal’ post.

I began writing the secret blog years ago, February 10th 2009, to be specific.

When I started chronicling the utter mess that was my married life at that time, I had no intention of sharing it with the wider public.

That place was, simply, a dumping ground; a place to help me process and deal with my worst fears, as I uncovered a terrible situation.

And, on a positive note, it was also a place where I could record the rise from that painful place as we repaired ourselves, healed our relationship, and got things back on track.

That’s what the secret blog was for.

In the last few months, when doubts began circulating about my marriage once more, it seemed logical to append my thoughts to the secret blog; though now, in retrospect, I’m not convinced that was an entirely sound idea.

The motivations behind writing and publishing The Big Reveal post on this website, a couple of days ago, were twofold.

Firstly, I wanted to warn and educate one person.

Secondly, I wanted to punish two other people and warn another.

It was for that last reason that I linked to, and therefore made public, the secret blog.


Not to punish Sophie; I could see what she was going through. Although it wasn’t as painful as the place I was in, she was in a hurtful place.

She wasn’t the victim, obviously, that was me. But she was still hurting.

What I wanted to do was to punish the others; so I put their names in the posts on the secret blog and made the website public.

If you’re expecting me to say that in doing that I was wrong, you’re mistaken.

I still believe it was right to punish the people who inflicted such terrible pain on me.

But the way I did it wasn’t right.

And now, thanks to wiser heads and counsel, cooler thinking has prevailed.

The Big Reveal post will stay as it is, the secret blog will not get republished.

Punishment comes in many forms, and there is more than one way to deliver it.

I have no desire to punish Sophie any further, but if even the mere *threat* of exposure means that the others involved spend the rest of their lives looking over their shoulders, wondering if, or when, I’m going to drop the other shoe, I would be content with that.

Knowledge is power, and I believe that right now, I am sitting in the seat of knowledge.

See what hurts me the most, is you wont admit you was wrong
Bitch, do your song, keep telling yourself that you was a mom
But how dare you try to take what you didn’t help me to get
You selfish bitch, I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit!
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be

That’s some quality rage there, from Eminem. Directed at his mother, sure, but rage and anger are rage and anger, no matter who the targets are.

While I believe I could outpoint his anger, I think in taking this sideways step I’m being way more canny.

My nuclear deterrent will stay, I hope, unused.

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7 Responses to Cleanin’ out my closet (and crime and punishment)

  1. IanB says:

    I quote Eminem when I go into local high schools to perform poetry and talk about the different techniques and my personal loves and hates (poetry is art and art is a subjective so there’s no good or bad or wrong or right…mostly).

    Discussion frequently turns to how the one thing that I’ve found to really grate on people’s nerves is the concept of a “wrenched rhyme”. This is where the poet / reader deliberately mispronounces a word to make it *sound* like it rhymes with another word. Generally they do this because of laziness or lack of skill. It’s a bit like watching a really bad magician triumphantly announce “is this your card?” with everyone realizing that not only is it not the chosen card but it’s also not a deliberate mistake and the fumbling fool has irretrievably messed up the trick.

    In Eminem’s ‘Not Afraid’ he rhymes “king of” with “middle finger”. Every time he does that one of the little angels in heaven gets kicked in the ‘nads by all the dead poets.

    I probably should say something soothing about nuclear weapons and shoes here but, well, you know me well enough to arrange the whitespace between the paragraphs into something suitable.

  2. Sally says:

    The right decision, I think x

  3. Steph says:

    Nuclear deterrents can be tricky things. Just be careful. My thoughts are simple. I think you need to do what is right for you, and, really, the only person who knows what is right for you is you. You can ask people what they think. People can give you their views and opinions. But in the end, it all comes down to local judgement. What is in your head and in your heart have to be the tools that you use to form you decisions. From what you have said Sophie has proven herself to be completely untrustworthy, and she has no scruples when it comes to being deceitful, evasive and even downright lying to your face. If I were you I’m not sure I’d be as generous and kind as you are being. And I would want my nuclear deterrent to be primed and ready for deployment at 20-seconds notice. Just saying. Kill all of them? Yes, I think I would. I’d explode that nuclear deterrent and I’d make it the dirtiest nuclear explosion in the history of man.

  4. Vicola says:

    I vanish for a wee bit, come back and all hell seems to have broken loose. Not sure what I’ve missed, I’ll track back a bit and try and figure it out but whatever it is, I hope you’re ok and dealing with it as best you can. You ever need someone to rant at, you know where I am! As to vengeance, as far as I’m concerned, if you’re not hurting innocents in pursuit of the not innocents then fair play, give them a serve. You’re a reasonable person (most of the time!) and I’m sure if you’re taking a shot at someone it’s for a good reason.