Big girl’s blouse

Things to do. Things not to do.

Today, despite being (in my head and externally) normal/cheery, I feel (in my heart) incredibly weepy.

Grief (or the act of grieving) seems to be sitting squarely and suffocatingly heavily around my shoulders.

Al I can think of is what I’ve lost (everything), and compare that to what’s left (…….) .

Still, onwards and upwards.

I have decided that I’m going to live the rest of my life alone.

Which looks very odd when I see it like that, but the decision is resolute.

I’m not planning on becoming celibate; given what passes for ‘normal’ in my libido, that seems very unlikely.

But I have decided to be by myself; keep my own company.

I can’t imagine putting any emotional trust in anyone ever again.

Speaking of trust.

I have to go to Cheltenham tomorrow. It will be, from an analytical point interesting to see how strong the desire to pull certain searches might be.

Today I will be buying a new iron.

And trying not to weep.

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3 Responses to Big girl’s blouse

  1. Jo says:

    I remember all too well the absolute hollow and horrible feeling, the sick stomach, and the need to kick the guilty party’s head(s) in that I had earlier this year. Although everyone’s heartbreak is is relative, I can only take what I felt and multiply it by the bond you have with marriage and it probably doesn’t come close to what you might be feeling now.

    Blogging helped a lot, knowing that other people had come through a similar thing and moved on helped, crying a lot helped, seeing friends helped, getting back to being happy with myself again helped (i.e., not jumping into another relationship) – even though the alternative was so much nicer. But you know all this and you’re doing all these things, and it will all help in the long run.

    Final thought – trust is the one thing you can never, ever compromise on – so think of this as the last, big, sucky, horrible but in some ways necessary heartbreak, instead of what would have been a series of big, sucky, horrible and wholly unnecessary heartbreaks every few months for the rest of your time together.

  2. Brennig says:

    You should come out with us on Friday, Jo. We could get canned and spend the late night riding around on the circle line being ill. 🙂 Thanks for your words though. Made me smile. Really.

  3. It’s like grieving someone who’s died, but in my opinion, what you are going through is worse. You are grieving her, but know she is still around living her life, but just not with you. That’s why it’s harder to deal with than death.

    Don’t go making any rash decisions about your future just yet though matey. Although it probably doesn’t feel like it yet, you will end up in a better place. Stick with it x