Chiltern Ramblings: 02

This week I’d like to introduce you to David *yr*. Dave, for short.

Unfortunately I encountered Dave on Friday’s train from London Marylebone to Warwick Parkway.

I sat in a four-seat arrangement – facing rearwards.

Dave sat opposite me.

I disliked him instantly.

The way he worked very hard to spread himself out; sitting sideways, legs in the floorspace of the seat next to him.

That wasn’t good.

The way he’d strategically positioned his laptop on the table so that it took up more than its fair share of space.

That wasn’t good either.

But the way he spent almost the entire journey on the phone?

That was really, seriously not good.

In fact Dave, for that crime alone I’m so tempted to publish your full name, your employer and your home address.

Because I’m eagle-eyed Dave.

And it’s because I am eagle-eyed that I know your name is David *yr*, and your address is T*mpl* B*rn, Br**ght*n Gr**n, Droitwich and your employer is J*hns*n & J*hns*n F*n*nc* Ltd.

I know something more about you too Dave.

I know that you are a CUNT.

Yes indeed, you are one of Chiltern’s Unbelievably Nasty Travellers.

You win this award not for your selfish positioning of your body in the seat.

Or for your selfish positioning of your laptop.

No Dave, you win this award because you spend almost the entire fucking journey on the phone.

Why does this cause me such a problem?

Because we were in a silent carriage Dave.

No mobile phones, no music to be played aloud.

There were signs that said no mobile phones on every window Dave.

You seemed – for the first half of the journey – to be completely unaware of these notices.

Eventually though, somewhere around Bicester North, you realised that you shouldn’t have been sitting in your seat in a silent carriage taking part in more telephone conversations than the north London telephone exchange.

So what did you do about it?

You got up off your big fat arse and stood in the dividing space between half of one silent carriage and the other half of the same silent carriage and continued with the flow of telephone conversations.

Twat.

Not content with inflicting your tiresomely boring droning voice on one half of a silent carriage, you then inflicted yourself on both halves.

I was going to ask if you are this inconsiderate at home but I’m not going to.

I think I know the answer.

Do you know what made it worse?

I’ll tell you.

You made things even worse for the rest of us when you started wandering from the dividing space up and down the corridor in my half of the silent carriage.

CUNT.

Anway, the train eventually rolled in to Warwick Parkway and you got off.

So did I.

You drove out of the car park ahead of me but I caught up with you on the dual-carriageway because my lane discipline is better than yours.

And on the M42, we drove fairly close together.

By the way Dave, your cuntishness isn’t confined to your behaviour on public transport.

You also drive like a CUNT.

At least now I know what kind of car a CUNT drives.

Which reminds me.

Now I can add your car registration number to the list of information I know about you.

Anyway Dave, you are now a fully-paid-up member of CUNT – Chiltern’s Unbelievably Nasty Travellers.

Enjoy.

B.

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15 Responses to Chiltern Ramblings: 02

  1. Amy says:

    *reminds self never to sit sideways-on-with-feet-on-the-adjacent-seat again*

  2. Mya says:

    Love it. This sounds like the opening monologue on a really nasty, creepy film. Perhaps the signs should be more threatening? How about ‘Those using mobile phones in this carriage are likely to have them rammed up their arses.’

    Mya x

  3. pierre l says:

    Very good disguise of the company name. Didn’t someone say that vowels were unnecessary in English and should be abolished?

  4. froggywoogie says:

    I think you should design a very basic blog so you get the chance he reads it. Add a link to this other but brilliant blog in a very appealing way so perhaps he’ll end up reading this post where he’s the “hero”. If you were wealthy you could rent a commercial board near the railway station and exhibit this story, this could be fun but a waste of money. BTW that wasn’t very kind for the cunts…
    ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Trixie says:

    BWHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    So glad I don’t have to travel on public transport anymore!!!!

  6. Brennig says:

    Amy: This wasn’t just a posture thing, he was trying to take over the neighbouring seat.

    Mya: I did consider knifing him with my cheese & pickle sandwich but luckily remembered we don’t have the crime passionnel legal defence in the UK so thought the better of it.

    Pierre l: Hello good evening and welcome! If you could see half the texts that are zipping around the UK you’d think that vowels have alrdy bn ablshed. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Froggywoogie: I am now considering such a thing… Really, I am! But you’re right. Harsh on the cunts. Sorry about that.

    Oi, Trixie! Don’t laugh. This is a silent carriage you know! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Masher says:

    We have similar inconsiderate TWATs on the Bedford to Brighton line: Thameslink’s Woefully Annoying Travellers.

  8. Brennig says:

    Hi Masher and welcome. Have looked/am looking at your site; from the photo I thought I knew you but on second thoughts, you write far too eloquently to be him. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Susie says:

    Be grateful, be very, very grateful, that he was only a fellow passenger, and not a next-door neighbour. Imagine living next to him – certainly a squeaky trampoliner,gnome-breeder, Sunday morning engine-revver, and player of early Elizabethan music on his mouth organ.

  10. Kimberlee says:

    well, t’is good there is a no handgun law in your land because someone sounds a tad edgy. just sayin’.

  11. Gumpher says:

    Sorry to comment on a comment Bren.

    Kimberlee, we’re British, we have a low tolerance level to cuntishness, don’t believe all that you may read about our ‘reserve’. Anyway, I’m a Taff and our cuntishness tolerance is far lower than our fellow island dwellers.

    Bren, a superb post. I don’t envy your London living, or the commute.

  12. Kimberlee says:

    uh oh. Is it bad form to comment on a comment? well, I’m ‘merican, can’t help myself. must investigate this thing called Taff. thanks for the heads up!

  13. Brennig says:

    Hiya Kimberlee and welcome. Make yourself at home. See? Not on a short fuse at all. Not today anyway. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I can help with the Taff thing. Gumpher and I are both Taffs – a Taff being a person of Welsh nationality (as in ‘born and bred’ not ‘once had a great uncle who may have been conceived there).

    Taffs are, it must be said, sometimes prone to be on a slightly shorter fuse than most others. That’s the price we pay for being God’s Chosen Children.

    And if, after my last sentence, I hear any sniggering from the back row you’ll all have to stay in and clean the blackboards on lunchtime, OK? ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. froggywoogie says:

    No way I’d miss my lunchtime so I won’t say more
    ๐Ÿ˜ก

  15. froggywoogie says:

    That’s not the “smiley” I expected lol