I am hating the passenger opposite me. I started to hate her even before I sat down.<\/p>\n
She built her nest on one of those two seats facing forward\/two seats facing backward\/table in the middle arrangements.<\/p>\n
How can one girl in her late 20s occupy all four seats and the entire surface of the table?<\/p>\n
So I indicated I was going to sit opposite her and asked her to move her stuff. She did, but she tried to kill me with a look.<\/p>\n
You failed love.<\/p>\n
Then I set out my laptop on the table.<\/p>\n
She tutted and started to move her stuff from underneath my laptop – which I graciously lifted to allow her to (begrudgingly) make some space. And then she tried to kill me with a look again.<\/p>\n
You’re still in the failing category love.<\/p>\n
Then she like made like a phone call like.<\/p>\n
Imagine a really plummy – but affected – accent:<\/p>\n
Oh hello Briony (I hated her for that too) it’s Jasmine here. [drones on in plummy voice for some minutes and then…]<\/p>\n
Well I don’t like know where to get orf like. I imagine it’s like the High Street? No, I’ve never been to Oxford before. Yah. Could you send me like a text? With directions?<\/p>\n
By this time my loathing is accelerating upwards through the gears quicker than a Lotus.<\/p>\n
OK like. I’ll see you around eight. Yah, bye.<\/p>\n
When she cleared the table she left on it what I can only describe as a large covered dinner plate (LCDP) – the covering is some kind of raffia affair tied with the Bluebird insignia that, to me, signifies… Toffee!<\/p>\n
I’m telling you this because the LCDP is sliding around on the table as the coach navigates the highways and byways of London village.<\/p>\n
There are many twists and turns on the highways and byways of London village.<\/p>\n
If the LCDP slides in to my laptop just once – just ONCE – more I’m going to stand, pick the thing up, walk the length of the coach, dump it in the bog and flush it.<\/p>\n
She keeps steadying it and then, because she has the attention span of a goldfish, removing her steadying hand.<\/p>\n
And then it slides again.<\/p>\n
Steadying hand.<\/p>\n
Steadying hand removed.<\/p>\n
Slide. Bang in to laptop.<\/p>\n
Steadying hand.<\/p>\n
Steadying hand removed.<\/p>\n
Slide. Bang in to laptop.<\/p>\n
FFS!!!!<\/p>\n
And she’s chewing her nails.<\/p>\n
Actually… no, that’s not accurate.<\/p>\n
She’s dining<\/em> on her nails. I think she’s on her third course by now.<\/p>\n Hey – nailbiters – do you know how singularly unattractive you look when you’re massaging the inside of your mouth with your fingers?<\/p>\n I hate her.<\/p>\n Have I said this already?<\/p>\n No, really. I loathe her.<\/p>\n Self-centred doesn’t even come close to describing this stuck-up little bitch. She’s so far up herself she could lick her tonsils from her arse.<\/p>\n Flick!<\/p>\n Oh-oh.<\/p>\n We’ve developed a new mannerism.<\/p>\n Flick!<\/p>\n The hair toss.<\/p>\n Slurp!<\/p>\n There go the fingers. Straight after the hair toss, the fingers head right for the mouth again.<\/p>\n Ooooh, she’s so scrummy!<\/p>\n And the thing is – because I’m a guy I’ve got a detector and I can tell these things – she absolutely LOVES herself.<\/p>\n I’m going to get my phone out and video her and put it up on YouTube so we can all have a laugh and a groan at her expense.<\/p>\n Damn.<\/p>\n It’s a bit too dark in here.<\/p>\n Bugger.<\/p>\n Flick!<\/p>\n Slurp.<\/p>\n Steadying hand.<\/p>\n Remove steadying hand.<\/p>\n Slide. Bang in to laptop.<\/p>\n Steadying hand.<\/p>\n Flick.<\/p>\n Slurp.<\/p>\n Slide. Bang in to laptop.<\/p>\n OMFG!<\/p>\n She’s removed the LCDP!<\/p>\n It’s now on her lap.<\/p>\n Flick.<\/p>\n Slurp.<\/p>\n Hand on the table.<\/p>\n Hand on the window-ledge.<\/p>\n Flick.<\/p>\n Slurp.<\/p>\n Do you know how many germs you’ve transferred in to your mouth?<\/p>\n Twenty-six billion zillion quadrillion.<\/p>\n Die bitch, die!<\/p>\n Have I mentioned that I hate people today?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I am hating the passenger opposite me. I started to hate her even before I sat down. She built her nest on one of those<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1161","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stuff","two-columns"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1161","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1161"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1161\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1161"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1161"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1161"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}