Over the last few years we have had a problem with an unwelcome intruder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A cat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A strikingly ginger cat, just like the one that lives next door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We had seen the cat in our gardens (front and back) quite\noften, and seen it in the garden next door too<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We ignored the problem for the first couple of weeks, but after a while we noticed the house started to smell of cat urine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And we strongly suspected the source of the problem wasn\u2019t\nany of our four cats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So after a lot of research I bought and fitted a\nmicrochip-reading catflap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You know the kind of thing; an entry-controlling device that only permits access to those cats it has been programmed to allow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Being responsible pet-owners all four of our cats are\nmicrochipped, so after a spot of switching the thing into program-mode and\nposting our cats through the catflap, we were in business.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Almost immediately the cat urine problem went away (after\nwe\u2019d cleaned through the house very thoroughly, obv).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But my point here is that the smell of cat urine never came\nback.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fast forward 18 months and that smell problem had still not\nreoccurred.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In an unconnected series of events we got a dog at that\ntime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This didn\u2019t prove to be the problem we thought it might be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At first the puppy was small enough to use the cat flap, so\nwe felt smug.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We still saw the suspected intruder in the garden (both\nfront and back), but a cat from the neighbourhood roaming the garden is one\nthing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A cat from the neighbourhood using the inside of your house\nas a public convenience is a (completely unacceptable) something else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Around six or seven months later, it started to become obvious that the dog was getting too large for the catflap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I did a lot more research.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Microchip-reading dogflaps don\u2019t exist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did wonder why; didn\u2019t learn the answer until very\nrecently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Faced with not being able to buy what I wanted, I took a\nrisk and bought the largest-sized chip-reading catflap on the market.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
With the new flap fitted, and all four cats and a puppy posted through it, we continued being secure from the intruding feline urinator, whilst allowing our growing menagerie unrestricted ingress and egress<\/p>\n\n\n\n
About four months later another puppy rocked up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And with that new puppy, the answer to the question of why there\nare no dogflaps that are microchip-readers also arrived:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Speed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The pace that the older of the two puppies bashed through the catflap was so fast that the chip-reader didn\u2019t have time to activate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not wanting to cause the dog any injury, or the panel on\nthe door any damage, I deactivated the chip reader.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What happened next?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The smell of strange cat happened, followed not much later by the smell of cat urine, that’s what happened next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then we noticed pee-stains on our furniture downstairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And on our brand new super king-sized bed upstairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The urine in the bed was so bad it had penetrated all layers of bed-linen and duvet, plus the topper, and stained the brand-new mattress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Cost of replacing the mattress: \u00a31,000.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was no longer an intruding cat, peeing in random places and making everything smell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was now much more than an inconvenience. This had become a very serious problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wanted to identify the source of the problem so I bought\na day\/night webcam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The first night it was installed it told me two things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Firstly, that our cats are in and out of the catflap so often, while we\u2019re asleep, it\u2019s almost a revolving door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Secondly, that the source of the prolific cat wee is indeed the ginger cat from next door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I emailed our neighbour, briefed them on the problem and\nattached the photograph.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The response was unusual, to say the least.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I paraphrase their email but it can be condensed as: \u2018One\ncat, oh you\u2019ve got it so lucky, we had a problem with six cats in our house and\nanyway I can\u2019t be sure that is our cat and have you thought of getting a\nchip-reading catflap?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
*blinks*<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m not unreasonable, I know there\u2019s very little they can\ndo, apart from keeping their cat indoors 24\/7, and that\u2019s not what I was\nsuggesting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Since then I have been using the motion-detecting webcam to\ncontinue monitoring the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The unwelcome urinator is in our house for an average of four hours a night; doing, amongst other things, urinating, eating any cat food in our cat bowls, and jumping up on our kitchen work-surfaces\/breakfast bar (things we don\u2019t allow our own cats to do), and stealing food from there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Despite all of this evidence, there is, as I\u2019ve said, nothing the neighbours can do, short of denying their cat any freedom to roam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And it isn\u2019t freedom to roam that I have a problem with; my\nproblem is the litany of things that the cat gets up to in our house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Being a practical person, I am now working out a plan of taking\nmatters into my own hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m going to lay a mattress inside the front door (the catflap is in the rear door and within clear line of sight), and I\u2019m going to lie in wait for the intruder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
With my rifle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And when the urinating cat comes in the house, I shall dispatch\nit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course, there are a number of things that need careful consideration before I take such action.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These things aren\u2019t as simple as just pulling the trigger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My extensive marksmanship experience reminds me that 130 ft\/lbs of energy propelling ammunition of 14.3 grain at 900 ft\/second is going to cross the 37 feet distance between the end of the muzzle and the cat\u2019s brain at X.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A cat\u2019s brain is approximately the size of a small satsuma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Therefore, as well as X, I need to factor in distance of\ntrajectory plus slight downward gravitational pull of Y.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fortunately, wind isn\u2019t going to be a factor; shooting\nindoors is so much simpler than shooting outdoors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another consideration, when I\u2019m setting up the shot, is angle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If I\u2019m angling too low, I risk damaging the floor, and this\ncat has already cost us enough money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Similarly, if I\u2019m angling too high, I risk quite a lot of splatter against the kitchen door, from the exit wound.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But if I can get the cat\u2019s head and body in a perfectly straight line , running parallel to the ground, the chances of any exiting collateral damage are negligible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then there\u2019s disposal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As the neighbours have effectively said the intruder doesn\u2019t\nbelong to them, I don\u2019t suppose they would want the carcass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I\u2019m going to ring the local hunt; they\u2019ll have a practical use for a clean-killed, unpoisoned cat; nothing will go to waste.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t think I have anything else to consider.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh yes, noise. A gun report might wake someone upstairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I’m going to fit a long-barrelled suppressor to the rifle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And night-vision telescopic sights, to ensure total accuracy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That should take care of everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s no crime of cruelty being committed here; a clean\nkill is so much kinder than anything else that comes to mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t you think?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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