{"id":4338,"date":"2010-12-06T19:53:08","date_gmt":"2010-12-06T19:53:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/?p=4338"},"modified":"2010-12-06T20:00:17","modified_gmt":"2010-12-06T20:00:17","slug":"toilet-excitement","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/?p=4338","title":{"rendered":"Toilet excitement!"},"content":{"rendered":"

I went to the toilet today.<\/p>\n

Look, how am I supposed to try and raise the standard of the writing here, if all you can do is snigger?<\/p>\n

Anyway.<\/p>\n

I spent the day in a Top Secret corner of Salisbury Plain-ish. Sort of ‘not really Salisbury Plain, but in the general ballpark’. And anyway, I can’t tell you precisely where I was, because I’ve spent decades getting my security vetting up to this level and I’m not about to start blabbing work things all over the internet.<\/p>\n

So.<\/p>\n

Picture me, if you will, in a Top Secret building, not a million miles from one of the more *cough* restricted corners of RAF Boscombe Down.<\/p>\n

Oh bugger.<\/p>\n

Anyway.<\/p>\n

After some hours of doing stuff, I felt a need to visit the bog. Not the wet, marshy, reedy place far beyond the end of the east runway. The toilet kind of bog.<\/p>\n

Imagine my surprise when I wandered past the armed guards (because toilets need armed guards, obv) and found this door:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
a bisexual toilet<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Trembling with excitement at my first forthcoming bisexual toilet experience, I pushed my way in, locked the door, rearranged my trousers and sat down to contemplate the internal machinations of FIFA’s voting procedures.<\/p>\n

After a concentrated spell of thinking, during which I decided that the toilet really is the best place to think about FIFA,\u00c2\u00a0 I finished my business and started to *ahem* tidy things up.<\/p>\n

Imagine my surprise when, from beside me, there was a sudden whirring noise and this happened:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
open sesame<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I was so startled I nearly pooed myself. Well, I didn’t, but if it had occurred a few minutes before, I might have.<\/p>\n

It seems that these plastic, Dalek-like, bogside devices are automated, and so sensitive to movement (within the cramped confines of a bisexualist toilet), that the simplest flourish of bog-roll sets the bloody things off.<\/p>\n

After a couple of seconds the whirring noise sounded again, and the Dalek returned to its previously dormant state:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
closed sesame<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I tore off another square of toilet paper and flapped it about a bit, the noise occurred once more:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
open sesame, again!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Amazing.<\/p>\n

I returned to my meeting.<\/p>\n

‘Where have you been?’ asked the host.<\/p>\n

‘In the toilet!’ I replied. ‘There’s a machine in there that opens and closes by itself.’<\/p>\n

He looked at me as if I was a simpleton.<\/p>\n

‘Most people don’t spend three and a quarter hours playing with the machine in the toilet.’<\/p>\n

Oh dear.<\/p>\n

Anyway.<\/p>\n

I do hope they don’t send me the bill to repair the machine. But deep down inside, I knew the lifting mechanism wouldn’t be strong enough to be able to lift fourteen toilet rolls.<\/p>\n

And both of my shoes.<\/p>\n

And my two laptops.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I went to the toilet today. Look, how am I supposed to try and raise the standard of the writing here, if all you can<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4338","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stuff","two-columns"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4338","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4338"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4338\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4338"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4338"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4338"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}