{"id":627,"date":"2008-07-07T07:30:00","date_gmt":"2008-07-07T06:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/?p=627"},"modified":"2008-07-07T17:23:01","modified_gmt":"2008-07-07T16:23:01","slug":"chiltern-ramblings-01","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/?p=627","title":{"rendered":"Chiltern Ramblings: 01"},"content":{"rendered":"

An occasional series of blog posts from the weekly journey to\/from London Marylebone<\/em><\/p>\n

Damn. The cleaner – no, not cleaner – the conductor just came along asking to see my ticket.<\/p>\n

And in so doing she blew right out of my head the most excellent post that I’d started to compose.<\/p>\n

Hmmm….<\/p>\n

[thinks=hard]<\/p>\n

No, it’s gone.<\/p>\n

[\/thinks=hard]<\/p>\n

Bloody hell, look at that field of Linseed!<\/p>\n

It’s bright purple.<\/p>\n

Looks kind of alien against the rich greenness of the Oxfordshire countryside.<\/p>\n

Yes, I’m on the train; London-bound.<\/p>\n

Awww…<\/p>\n

Two matching grey ponies standing in their paddock; dressed in matching navy blue lightweight rugs.<\/p>\n

Which is where – and how – Vin will be right now; it’s too early for breakfast.<\/p>\n

He’ll probably be standing up – fast asleep – with that<\/em> expression on his face, the one he adopts when the lights are on but no-one’s home.<\/p>\n

On this journey so far I’ve read a chapter of my current book, copied this weekend’s podcast playlist over to the master list and reset the playlist ready for the contents that will make up next weekend’s playlist.<\/p>\n

Whatever that (or they) may be.<\/p>\n

Hang on a minute, here comes the lady with the refreshment trolley.<\/p>\n

And Dan Klass is talking in my ears.<\/p>\n

This is one of those moments when the females who tune in say, “Awwww the poor man. Completely unable to multi-task”<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Actually I can<\/em> multi-task.<\/p>\n

I do it all the time.<\/p>\n

But I’ll get back to you in a couple of minutes, OK?<\/p>\n

[later]<\/p>\n

Right, I’m back.<\/p>\n

Where was I?<\/p>\n

Oh yeah.<\/p>\n

Bicester North.<\/p>\n

Hahahaha, so funny.<\/p>\n

Bloody hell it’s chucking it down out there.<\/p>\n

Right, anyway; update on what’s been going on here.<\/p>\n

The lady with the refreshment trolley (hereafter called Julie) and I had what is becoming our customary Monday morning chat.<\/p>\n

Julie asks if I want tea or coffee, I make a decision and while she prepares my beverage she asks about Vin, and I update her on what’s new and what’s in the next stage of our plan for the domination of the equestrian world.<\/p>\n

So no girls, I can’t multi-task to that extent.<\/p>\n

I can’t have a conversation with Julie of the refreshment trolley and<\/em> listen to Dan Klass and<\/em> bang out blog entries all at the same time.<\/p>\n

And you can stop looking quite so smug because I bet you can’t do those things at the same time – not effectively.<\/p>\n

OMG, I just giggled aloud.<\/p>\n

Dan did that to me.<\/p>\n

It’s not that I’ve just been sitting here and I suddenly burst in to a fit of giggles for no reason.<\/p>\n

It’s all your fault Danny boy.<\/p>\n

The trouble is, the guy sitting next to me?<\/p>\n

He thinks I’m a mentalist.<\/p>\n

Dan’s telling us about his daughter’s existentialist sense of humour which, as well as making me giggle aloud gives me a large degree of satisfaction to know that I’m not the only father in the world with a daughter who has an existentialist sense of humour.<\/p>\n

The example he used was when his daughter said:
\n‘Knock knock’
\n‘Who’s there?’
\n‘Microphone’
\n‘Microphone who?’
\n‘The microphone forgot to open the door!’<\/p>\n

Brilliant!<\/p>\n

Get your head around that one you poor parents of non-existentialist children.<\/p>\n

Fuck me, there’s a fly in here.<\/p>\n

Can you believe this?<\/p>\n

Did it pay full fare or does it get a discount because it’s not going to occupy a seat?<\/p>\n

Yeah, there’s not a great deal of need to answer that one.<\/p>\n

Rhetorical.<\/p>\n

Writing update.<\/p>\n

Chapter 4 of The New Novel continues despite the pitchy, patchy effort I’m putting in to the book.<\/p>\n

The degree of effort of input seems directly related to my mental state.<\/p>\n

Christ, that’s this book doomed!<\/p>\n

[long pause]<\/p>\n

I’m now wondering if half of the people on this train understand their commitments under the Data Protection Act?<\/p>\n

Yeah, that’s a big rhetorical one.<\/p>\n

Ah, but the things I could tell you that my sharp little eyes have gleaned!<\/p>\n

It’s so fucking wrong that twats have such a diminished sense of their place in the world that they feel the need to open up electronic or hardcopy information and ‘work on it’ on the train.<\/p>\n

Pathetic little egos needing a public boost.<\/p>\n

Sad gits.<\/p>\n

A really good ISO would have most – if not all – of these practices stopped dead in its tracks (and the staff involved disciplined harshly).<\/p>\n

Case in point: guy sitting next to me.<\/p>\n

He works (or is involved in some professional capacity) with the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP).<\/p>\n

The DWP is a very large, important, central government department.<\/p>\n

And the guy sitting next to me – I have his name, easily culled from from the many email hardcopies he has previously printed out and is now scrawling ‘To Do’ things on – is ‘working on the train’ on many sensitive pieces of information.<\/p>\n

Several of them are so sensitive that they carry a security classification – across the top of them and threaded sideways across the page is the word R E S T R I C T E D.<\/p>\n

How would this guy – let’s call him, ummm, Tony – even begin to think that the inside of a Chiltern Trains rail carriage is a place where working on classified is appropriate?<\/p>\n

Does Tony, I wonder, even have permission from his ISO – or his line manager – to remove classified documents from his office?<\/p>\n

By the way Tony, I’ve just googled you.<\/p>\n

I now have your telephone number to add to your forename, surname, email address and – get this – the name of the government committee whose papers you were reading.<\/p>\n

Are you real Tony?<\/p>\n

Do you honestly believe that this is acceptable behaviour for a public servant?<\/p>\n

Because let’s get this straight Tony, you are a public servant.<\/p>\n

You work for us.<\/p>\n

Yet your professional standards fall far short of my expectations.<\/p>\n

So as your employer Tony let me give you a quick message.<\/p>\n

Don’t forget to collect your P45 on the way out.<\/p>\n

What you’re doing is not safe.<\/p>\n

If you can’t get your work done in your allotted time in the office, you’re either ineffective or your workload needs reprioritising.<\/p>\n

[long pause]<\/p>\n

High Wycombe looks nice from the train.<\/p>\n

Can’t comment on how it is from any other perspective, obv.<\/p>\n

Damn you and your catchy abbreviation of the word ‘obviously’, Anna Pickard.<\/p>\n

Too clever by half you are.<\/p>\n

Oh no, I’ve slipped in to Jedi mode.<\/p>\n

07.23 – about half an hour until arrival in Marylebone.<\/p>\n

Soph’s still in bed – she’s on leave today.<\/p>\n

Time to knock this on the head.<\/p>\n

Have a good day, people.<\/p>\n

B<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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