{"id":6902,"date":"2012-02-29T06:00:08","date_gmt":"2012-02-29T06:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/?p=6902"},"modified":"2012-06-25T21:52:13","modified_gmt":"2012-06-25T20:52:13","slug":"single-and-loving-it-mostly-2929","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/brennigjones.com\/blog\/?p=6902","title":{"rendered":"Single, and loving it. Mostly (29\/29)"},"content":{"rendered":"

this is my last post in the February challenge, and because today is the 29th of February (with all of the\u00a0connotations\u00a0that this special leap-year day involves), I have been thinking about my past relationship, thinking about love and life, and thinking of the future. I started writing this post some time before Christmas, so in some ways this is a long-term view<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m still getting used to the status of ‘not married any more’. It’s a big change, especially when that\u00a0change creeps up on you from behind; ambushes you.\u00a0Everything has gone from that\u00a0‘two-person universe’ that my body and soul inhabited 24\/7. It’s a shock, when the world gets torn in two.<\/p>\n

All of my values – and comforts – have\u00a0been taken away from me. Everything that was in my environment suddenly disappeared.\u00a0But I’m getting over the shock. I am learning to live in my new world.<\/p>\n

I recognise that I’m still healing, still going through some kind of ‘getting over it’ process. But I also recognise that I\u00a0am dealing with the emotional fall-out far better than some people do. I’ve turned myself around, after the\u00a0initial plunge in to a world of deep crapness, much quicker than I could have expected.<\/p>\n

So, as I am probably still healing myself, maybe I’m not really in the right place to write this piece, yet. But I’ll\u00a0have a go. I’ll try and give you an insight to where my logic is, right now.<\/p>\n

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Being single has its advantages. And being single has its disadvantages.<\/p>\n

The list of advantages and\u00a0disadvantages fall in to two categories: the routine, boringly prosaic, and the softer, less tangible aspects of day-to-day living.<\/p>\n

Routine household tasks such as cooking, cleaning, washing-up, laundry, and doing the garden, all leap easily to mind, as every-day tasks.<\/p>\n

In terms of household jobs, there have been slight adjustments. I do the cooking, when I remember to eat,\u00a0but I always did that anyway.<\/p>\n

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And I do the washing-up, but I always did that too.<\/p>\n

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But now I sort the laundry, load the machine and hang the washing out to dry afterwards. These are small\u00a0tasks that she used to do, small tasks that I now own. I don’t do the ironing. I pay Chris to\u00a0do that for me<\/a>. She is excellent.<\/p>\n

But the larger ‘cleaning the house’ was Soph’s OCD-related job. Every Saturday morning she would push\u00a0me out of the house for a couple of hours. Whilst I was up to the stables, she would strip off (literally) and\u00a0blitz the house from top to bottom. When I got home the house would be clean and fresh-smelling, she\u00a0would be showered, dressed, and beaming in a satisfied manner at having done a job that ticked her\u00a0OCD-boxes.<\/p>\n

I can’t find the time for that kind of two-hour splurge, and it would be poor time-management of me to even try.<\/p>\n

The best way for me to keep on top of the cleaning, is to take a small amount of time each day, and pick one\u00a0or two jobs off the ‘Cleaning To Do list’.<\/p>\n

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Yes, this does mean that I do a little cleaning on most days.<\/p>\n

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But keeping the chores short and manageable is a small price to pay. Having a big blitz once a week, is not\u00a0something my diary can afford.<\/p>\n

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Juggling domestic duties is a fraction of the picture, obv.<\/p>\n

I thoroughly enjoy not having the television on. I have never been married to the box, but switching the television on as a default action has, I’ll admit, always struck me as a little odd. These days the TV only gets\u00a0switched on when I want to watch something specific.<\/p>\n

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My default action, in these brave new days of singledom, involves music. I have bought a new iPod docking\u00a0station. It has excellent audio qualities. I love the way music now fills the house.<\/p>\n

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Another significant change is in the way the single me behaves.<\/p>\n

I have begun to stretch my wings and enjoy my new-found independence. I have made a conscious\u00a0decision that This Is My Life. I don’t need to ask about anyone else’s thoughts or feelings. I also don’t need\u00a0to ask anyone whether they would like to do something, a random thing that has just flitted across my mind.<\/p>\n

Questions such as ‘what shall I cook this evening?’ (or even ‘shall I cook this evening?’), or ‘I fancy going to\u00a0the cinema this weekend just to watch some rubbish, what shall I choose?’; small questions like these I\u00a0now answer, without even opening my mouth.<\/p>\n

I will admit that there are gaps. Sometimes a yawning chasm of utter loneliness will open up and I feel myself pulled towards it, by some kind of tractor-beam of despair.<\/p>\n

But I have friends. I have good friends – in both the real and the virtual world – and they are a wonderful source of support and comfort for those occasional patches of emptiness.<\/p>\n

I shall write more about my friends, and name names, on another day.<\/em><\/p>\n

I can also do random things, like drive up to the Scottish borders for an overnight stay, on little more than a\u00a0whim, to sort out some critical IT issues for a business.<\/p>\n

To avoid any misunderstanding, I need to pause here to make one thing crystal clear. Being married to\u00a0Soph would not stop any of these things from happening. It’s just that I am now in a place where I don’t\u00a0need to consider anyone else; where I don’t need to think about the feelings of another person, before I do\u00a0something. And I don’t need to think about the feelings of another person before I don’t do something.<\/p>\n

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I am at the centre of my universe.<\/p>\n

This is a place that used to be occupied by someone other than me; a\u00a0gestalt of two living organisms used to occupy this place.<\/p>\n

Now it’s where I live.<\/p>\n

*I* live…<\/p>\n

But, on the other hand, there are things that I miss; that I would like to have back.<\/p>\n

I miss the hugs.<\/p>\n

I miss the cuddles.<\/p>\n

I miss the kisses and I miss the toe-curlingly excellent snogs.<\/p>\n

I miss loving.<\/p>\n

I miss being loved.<\/p>\n

Those little touches of affection that communicate beyond words; the hand resting on my leg that says ‘this\u00a0means more than I like you’? I miss receiving those.<\/p>\n

I miss giving them.<\/p>\n

Having someone here, someone who loves me, someone who laughs with me? And at me? And who talks\u00a0with me about all manner of random things? I miss these things too.<\/p>\n

And falling asleep, every night, spooning?<\/p>\n

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I miss this.<\/p>\n

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I look at the balance sheet; the list of pros and cons, the every-day changes and the softer, more emotional\u00a0wins and losses.<\/p>\n

And I make a judgement about where I am.<\/p>\n

A judgement of the present, not a judgement of the future.<\/p>\n

It is easy, from my emotionally-involved position, to look around me and say I would not want anyone to go\u00a0through the things I have gone through.<\/p>\n

The emotional cost of getting to this place of understanding has been terrible; a series of pains and\u00a0anguishes beyond all description. More than emotion has died in this house, in the last few months. Trust has gone, too.<\/p>\n

But, as my grief for this dead relationship wanes, and as I grow more confident about being the individual\u00a0*me*, in this new state of singledom, I take a look around the landscape and I think…<\/p>\n

‘I would have preferred to get here under different circumstances….<\/p>\n

‘But now that I’m here?<\/p>\n

‘Yeah, this will do.<\/p>\n

‘For now’.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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