I was lounging around in bed, alternating between coughing my lungs out and snatching five-minute dozes to try and make up for the lost sleep of the last two nights, when my Gmail messenger burst in to life.<\/p>\n
This is very odd, because the only two forms of IM I use are WhatsApp and Skype.<\/p>\n
I looked at the notification message.<\/p>\n
minniti978@gmail.com (someone not in my contacts\/address book) wanted a chat.<\/p>\n
So I said OK. Here’s what happened next:<\/p>\n
minniti978: hey, are you around?
\nSent at 13:00 on Sunday
\nme: Yarp
\nminniti978: Im bored and wanted to meet new people… 22\/female here..you?
\nme: I’m 22\/female too!
\nminniti978: I’m feeling a little naughty wanna have some fun ? \ud83d\ude42
\nme: Okelydokely neighbour. Let’s be really naughty. You go and catch next door’s cat and I’ll get the camera and the ransom note
\nminniti978: here’s a picture lol www.i.imgur.com\/PxwzlQk.jpg you like? hehe =)
\nme: Wow, that’s a hell of a scar. Were you injured in a motorbike accident?
\nminniti978: Hehe, you want some more?
\nSent at 13:03 on Sunday
\nme: More what? Haven’t you caught that cat yet? I’m going to send the owner a ransom note saying I want two Curly Wurlys and a Snickers for her safe return.
\nminniti978: www.i.imgur.com\/YEMXIA9.jpg my turn.. wow. I’m soooo turned on right now!!
\nSent at 13:05 on Sunday
\nme: You’re not a real person are you? I’m offering you a 50% share in the cat ransom and all you want to do is send me links.
\nminniti978: Mmm…is the game getting “harder”? \ud83d\ude42
\nme: Well it’s going to get fucking impossible if you don’t get off your fat lazy arse and catch that cat!
\nminniti978: www.i.imgur.com\/XQEWPFP.jpg i want your cock baby really bad would you give it to me??
\nSent at 13:07 on Sunday
\nme: Cock? You think I keep poultry here? Are you fucking mentile? With next door’s cat killing half of the wildlife in the parish, you think I’d have poultry?
\nminniti978: www.i.imgur.com\/IWB8j0O.jpg ok last one lol, you’d love to fuck me wouldnt you \ud83d\ude09
\nSent at 13:08 on Sunday
\nme: Actually, no. You’re a big fat skanky ho with a cunt the size of the QEII Bridge. I’ve had more attractive nightmares than you. I’m sorry, but you’re obviously a ‘bot’ so what the fucking fuck do you think you need a fucking fuck for in the first place?
\nminniti978: cum rub my cunt \ud83d\ude09
\nme: Lady, I wouldn’t touch your cunt with the Archbishop of Canterbury’s cock, you diseased old whore.
\nminniti978: I’ll be your whore \ud83d\ude09
\nSent at 13:11 on Sunday
\nme: Will you? Really? Well get off your mountain of cellulose that you call an arse, and get out there and hawk that cunt of yours around. We must be able to find some desperate enough to give you a fiver for a poke.
\nminniti978: Baby we really need to go on cam i cant wait anymore
\nme: You need the toilet now?
\nminniti978: Here i just invited you www.letsplayoncamz.com?freeInvite=g2srt8 try accepting that babe
\nSent at 13:13 on Sunday
\nme: Fuck off! Do you think I came up the Liffy on a bicycle? I’m not going to click on any skanky old link some skanky old whore throws at me, not for all the tea in the land of never-ending tea!
\nminniti978: mhhm fuck me;)
\nme: Fuck me!
\nminniti978: Its supposed to be the best app for this kind of thing, hurry up and accept!!!
\nme: Read. My. Lips.
\nNo.
\nNow fuck off
\nminniti978: Its worth the annoying signup babe, wait until you see what we can do once you’re in
\nSent at 13:16 on Sunday
\nme: I wonder how much longer I could string you along for? Maybe we should get together, you and me, and I could give your address to every cold-calling cunt who rings the landline? Then you could all keep each other occupied, while I got on with my life?
\nminniti978: lol its a free dating site babe, nothing
\nme: Nothing what?
\nNothing gives?
\nNothing really matters,
\nAnyone can see,
\nNothing really matters,
\nNothing really matters to me.
\nAnyway the wind blows.
\nminniti978: Its free to join.. i promise.. but it will ask for a card i think.. im gonna get naughty and i cant have kids watching..
\nme: Eeeew, your kids might watch? Dafuq are you on? And also, a couple of minutes ago you said you were 22yo. You now telling me that you’re 22 *and* you’ve got kids – that’s kids, plural? You really are a skanky ho!
\nminniti978: Ok babe.. talk to you in there.. gonna charge my phone.. mwa! xoxo<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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