Changing words

Dear Midge,

In 1984, when the world was a much more naive place, you and Bob launched ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ (DTKIC) on to the record-buying public.

And we loved it.

The production was crisp and smart.

The performances were polished, and professional.

You enlisted a team of awesome musicians to perform, and sing, on the single.

The record-buying public ignored the single’s obvious structural shortcomings; they went out and bought it.

The record sold in its millions (3.7 million copies, to be precise).

But that wasn’t enough for you.

In 1989 DTKIC was re-recorded with the ‘help’ of the Stock, Aitken, and Waterman production team.

Unfortunately, this time you chose to trawl for talent in the shallow end of the ability pool.

Bros, D-Mob, Technotronic, The Pasadenas?

Really, Midge, what were you thinking?

Sadly the British public recognised the shameless rip-off values.

Sales, this time, were down.

In 2004, you released yet another version of DTKIC, and sales were even lower.

Don’t get me wrong, Midge.

Selling 1.7 million copies of any single is, by any measure, fantastic.

But comparing the combined physical and download sales of 1.7 million (the 2004 version) against the original version’s, physical-only sales of 3.7 million copies should have been the end of this downward-spiralling exercise in mediocrity.

However, 2014 rolled around, and the British public were once-again inflicted with DTKIC.

Now here’s the thing, Midge.

I really don’t care about the insipid nonsense performed by a watered-down selection of under-talented, here today/gone tomorrow, musical non-entities whom you have chosen to perform the single.

I also don’t care how much of a crap performance these people, who we won’t be able to remember next year, turn in.

Really, I don’t.

What I care about, Midge, is the shockingly awful, factual inaccuracy that is embedded in every release of DTKIC.

You see, Midge, it’s very simple.

Africa is not a country.

Africa is a continent.

Yes it is.

Africa is a continent more than double the size of Europe (which isn’t a continent).

And guess what, Midge?

It actually snows in Africa every year.

Every Bloody Year, Midge,

It snows actual blizzards in Africa, Midge.

Every year without fail.

You know those 5cm of snowfall ‘winters’ we have in the UK?

Parts of Africa measure their snowfall in metres, Midge.

Snow.

In metres.

So how about, the next time you get another bunch of musical wasters in front of the microphone, you take the opportunity to update the lyrics?

Yes, I know that the majority of those Africans who admit to being religious are Muslim (therefore the majority don’t give a helping of festive stuffing whether it actually is Christmas or not).

But let’s get the glaringly obvious piece of Midge Ure ignorance that is embedded in DTKIC corrected, shall we?

Because it is going to snow in Africa this Christmas, Midge.

And next Christmas.

And the Christmas after that.

And after that.

And after that.

Let’s get this put right, shall we?

Please?