Conspiracies

(I’ve stolen this from a non-fascist, non-lunatic branch of social media which is not owned by any trillionaires, billionaires, or any one single person)

Conspiracy theories come in various categories. I was browsing a thread of low-key conspiracy theories and became amused, so I thought I’d share a few here for entertainment purposes. Ready?

HD is basically what normal TV used to be, and normal TV has been deliberately downgraded

Perfume and cosmetics testers in shops are better quality than the versions you’re actually sold

Household white goods & boilers have an in built self-destruct timer activated by the installer that run beyond the warranty + a randomised number of months

Carlsberg and Carling are exactly the same beer, but priced differently

Walls ice cream was made to use up the excess fat from making their sausages

Pothole repairs are always shoddy to ensure the guys repairing them can charge the council to repair them again in 12 months

I am living with a low key curse that forces me to stand in queues longer than everyone else no matter which line I stand in

Smartphones are all really listening all the time

Non-stick pans. They are actually stickier than stick pans. And then the non-stick stuff starts falling off and you need to buy a new one

There is a scene in The Wizard of Oz with a silhouette of someone committing suicide by hanging

The ground level letterbox with heavy springs was only invented because the letterbox designer’s wife ran off with a postman and the designer wanted revenge

Apple deliberately uses certain software updates to make older models obsolete and thereby sell more iPhones (well, it’s true of Microsoft and laptops)

There is no difference whatsoever between shampoo for greasy hair and shampoo for dry hair

There is no “high volumes of calls” there is only understaffed contact centres and they’ve tries to normalise that with lies

“Hello!” is a subversive magazine run by Marxists

When you visit a speed test web site, your ISP knows and deliberately boosts your throughput far above your normal, pitiful speed, so their service seems better than it is

People who pronounce scones as ‘scones’ should not be trusted

Milton Keynes was built on a grid system because the planners who designed it weren’t very good at drawing curves. And, every time the planners put down a coffee cup on the maps it produced another roundabout

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.