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Stupid surveys written by stupid people

I do surveys.

The latest landed in my inbox today, and question 11 is a prime example of a survey written by a seven-year old.

So I wrote to the survey company:

‘I am working my way through survey [number], which has quite clearly been constructed by a dunce.

 

A number of the questions are almost incomprehensibly thick, but question 11 is worthy of an Olympic gold medal in the stupidity stakes:
’11. How close is your nearest natural place to play outdoors?’
1. 30 miles
2. 1 hour
3. 2 hours
4. 3 hours
5. 4 hours’

 

What is this utter gibberish?

Even if I lived in the centre of New York I would have an open space less than 1/2 a mile closer than the first option.

If I lived in the centre of Madrid I would be surrounded by green open spaces in most piazzas. The same applies to the centre of Rome.

So which place does this questioner live where their nearest open space is 30 miles – thirty bloody miles – away?

I await your response with baited breath, because I want to make a note never to visit this place, wherever it is.’

edit…

And there’s more from the fuckwits at this polling company.

‘4. How many times in the last year have you had a problem relating to your personal health or wellbeing (or that of any children you have) but done nothing about it?

Well, pardon me for being challenging, but where’s the ‘0’?

edit…

And there’s even more stupidity from these retarded fuckwits:

’23. Have you ever been put off visiting your doctors or seeking help/advice from other healthcare professionals because of any of the following reasons? Select all that apply:

Please tick all that apply.

Can you spot the total absence of a ‘no’?

So when I don’t select any of these and press the ‘next’ button (the only way of saying ‘no’ that the question gives me, I get a message that says:

‘Please give an answer for this question’

This is fucking stunning.

 

10 thoughts on “Stupid surveys written by stupid people”

    1. [pedant] No. They were open spaces before the cities were built. The fact they’ve been terraformed is neither here nor there, as the survey chooses not to consider this a possibility [/pedant]

  2. Miles…minutes. Nothing like user-testing the survey before they make it live is there? It bodes well for their analysis of the results. Not.

      1. I am suggesting that it’s a typo. They wrote miles but meant minutes. Seems like a logical progression: 0.5 hours (30 mins) 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours. I say ‘logical’ I mean, less illogical.

  4. I was just collared by a nice lady as I exited Morrisons with my small bag of shopping. She forced me to answer lots of stupid questions:
    “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the selection of bakery products in the store?”
    “I don’t know. I just bought a bottle of coke, an apple and a Bounty and a nerdy computer magazine.”
    “We’ll give that a five then. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the range of fresh fruit in the store?”
    “Well, I didn’t really look. But I know they’ve got apples…” That was another 5.
    “Did you manage to find everything you were looking for?”
    “Yes. Apart from the Ocarinas.”
    “?”
    “It’s a small wind instrument.”
    “You’re not taking this seriously, are you?”
    “No.”

  5. Audi recently contacted me to gauge how my recent car service had gone.

    They telephone interviewer kept asking me to choose various answers and for several questions, their range of answers was wholly inappropriate and inaccurate. When I started giving answers in either fractions or with statements such as “I’d rather cut my arms off with a rusty tyre iron”, she twigged that she’d got as far as she was going to.

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