Diversion

06.20

We are trundling down the B42.. no, the A401…

Buggerit, I’ve lost track of where we are.

[Peers in to the black morning, sees no signs of life. Indeed, sees no signs at all. Gives up trying to find out where we are]

Anyway, we are trundling down some ancient rural road or other in our quest to get to London (this being the express service which only stops there.

Not that the non-express service stops in more exotic places like erm Aberedeen, Newcastle or the Milan of the west – Fishguard.

It doesn’t, I was just making a point that this service doesn’t stop in the more avante garde locations between Oxford and London such as, erm, Lewknor Turn or Hillingdon.

The reason we are being re-routed is because there’s been a pile-up and motorway closure on the M40.

Again.

And when I say ‘again’ I mean that this happened yesterday.

Yes indeed, for the second consecutive day tens of thousands of motorists have had their necessary journeys (for who makes unnecessary motorway journeys at this time of the morning?) completely disrupted because someone from the shallow end of the gene pool couldn’t get from A to B without being the cause of an RTA.

But you’re OK, I’m not going to rant about how shite we are at driving (though we’re significantly better than then Belgians. And the Greeks. And Morrocans. And Americans.

[laughs muchly]

Yeah, that was only said for provocative effect.

But we’re not as good or as clever as we think we are. How do I know? I’ve never taken a driving test in the country.

Except for my Advanced Motorcyle test (yes indeed, I’m licensed to scare professionals and could go for my racing certificate if I so wanted). But that hardly counts.

No, I took my first – and only – driving test in the now-defunct country of the Federal Republic of Germany; a country where the per head of driving population times kilometre of motorway was (at the date I took my test) a staggering…

Thirty-five times safer than the same calculation yielded in the United Kingdom – at that same period of time.

Why is that?

How can two so similar European countries with education standards and rates of literacy broadly the same (ours as a national average are 5% lower than Germany) produce driving standards which are so terrifyingly different?

Is it because the theory test in Germany is punishingly difficult?

Or that your instructor must accompany you on your driving test because if you do something wrong your driving examiner will ask you to stop the car then he’ll just hand you the fail notice and just get out and walk away?

Or because the test is, by comparison – from what I’ve gleaned in conversation with those who have taken their test in the UK – much more stringent?

Or is it because learners must use the equivalent of ‘learner’ plates for 12 months after passing the test?

Or might it be because they Germans don’t allow new drivers on motorways until they’ve passed a motorway driving test?

Or because the German police are absolutely everywhere and routinely stop vehicles for spot checks of driver and/or car (or lorry or bus etc) at what seems to be an indecently frequent rate by comparison to the UK police?

Or all of the above?

Or are we just really shit drivers?

I guess I misled you slightly when I said I wasn’t going to rant about how we’re really shit drivers. 🙂