Go on – say ‘thank you’ nicely.
You owe me a massive debt of gratitude.
I have saved you from death by a combination of factors.
Death by boredom. Death by introspection. Death by… feeling sorry for myself.
Oh yes.
You’ve got off lightly, my friend. Very lightly.
Not even the Sensational Alex Harvey Band’s brilliant comedic rendition of Delilah could make me smile last night.
Face it, when SAHB can’t get one smiling things are in a terrible state!
Where was I?
Oh yes, saving you from death by misery.
On the way home last night I dictated the world’s most miserable blog. It made the entire Smith’s back catalogue seem cheery.
This morning I’ve had it transcribed, briefly scanned it and pressed the delete key because Oh My God It Was Absolutely Fcuking Awful!
So instead of that rubbish, here’s some random bits of informative, erm, information.
1. It was this time last year that the lovely s took me to see Muse at the NEC – and the first song on my iPod this morning was ‘Together We’re Invincible’ by Muse!
2. This morning I passed an articulated tanker lorry that had a label on the back that stated ‘non-hazardous load’.
Well excuse me for thinking otherwise but I consider 25,000 litres of fluid travelling at 56mph is pretty hazardous!
The thought of 25,000 litres of fluid hitting a car or a pedestrian at 56mph seems pretty hazardous to me!
3. A little while later I passed a fully laden articulated car transporter; it was stacked with brand new, unregistered Audis.
Did you know that occasionally – but not often – car transporters sometimes lose a car off their load?
And did you know that if you find one – in a field, at the side of the road or wherever – you are entitled to keep it, regardless of the make, model, expense or condition that it’s in with no need to make any form of payment?
This dates back to our centuries-old salvage laws – I know someone who got a brand new unregistered Porsche 4×4 like that, it only needed a minor paint touch-up because it had landed on all four wheels.
True!
Honest!
B.
‘It fell off the back of a lorry’ is legit then? Fabulous!
I’m gonna go and follow lorries with Jaguars on if they have those gorgeous white leather-seated sea-frost ones on….
(at a safe distance!)