Sometimes I actually *like* winding people up

Dear Aurora Berg,

I feel eminently qualified to assist your company in a diverse range of operational solutions, but I feel that I could add most significant value in the area of helping you to read, write and speak English to a higher, more professional level.

For example, we never commence a business email with the salutation ‘Greetings’. Not unless one’s name is Joey Boswell and one is a member of the fictional television series ‘Bread’, as written by Carla Lane, in the mid-1980s.

‘Dear Sir’ or ‘Dear Madam’ are normally considered acceptable but, as you have taken the time and trouble to mine my email address from some portion of the website, ‘Dear Brennig’ would also be satisfactory – as would Dear Mr Jones.

Please allow me to congratulate you on becoming a manager of the HR department of a large multinational company. I can only hope, given the unfortunate circumstances in the United States, that the ‘large multinational company’ is not BP. Perhaps you would be kind enough to let me know the name of the large multinational company, so I may make some appropriate entries in my records?

Your next sentence puzzles me. ‘Our company is met in many departments, such as:
– property bank account operations – transportation and logistics – private enterprise service’ etc.’

Could you tell me what, precisely ‘is met in many departments’ means? I would also appreciate some supplemental information as to the precise nature of the core business of the multinational company. Let’s face it Aurora, all multinational companies have HR, property, banking operations, transport, logistics and service divisions. You should also note how I rephrased and improved the syntax of your sentence, whilst managing to make it more economical. I feel this further underlines your need for my services.

Unfortunately, I have to tell you that I am completely baffled by your next phrase:
‘Currently, we are looking for managers in Europe:
– salary 2.600 euro + bonus
– 1-2 working hours per day
– free timetable’

Are you telling me that my working day would be 1-2 hours for which you would pay me a salary of €2,600? That seems ludicrous. 1-2 hours (let’s call it 1.5 hours for the purposes of a mathematical equation) multiplied by an average of 220 working days a year is 330 working hours – for which you are proposing a salary of €2,600? That’s less than €8/hour, and that equates to £4.93/hour – which is substantially lower than the national minimum wage of 5.80/hour. Still, perhaps this illegally low wage might be offset through the deployment of what you call a ‘free timetable’. Perhaps you could explain what this means?

Your next sentence has, I fear, somehow become corrupted during the transmission of your email. ‘If you are ready to work as a regional manager in Europe send us the below information on’
Once again, you have underlined just how much your large multinational company needs me to proof-read everything! ‘Send us the information requested below’ is grammatically correct. Your own effort fails the quality test. And, just a passing thought here Aurora, but wouldn’t all multinational companies be, by definition, large? Is there such a thing as a small multinational? I’m now wondering if multinationals are sizeist? Do they hang around behind the multinational equivalent of the school bike sheds comparing the width and girth of their corporateness in a ‘mine’s bigger than yours’ kind of way? Perhaps you could advise me on this?

I do love your bold use of post-modern irony in the next paragraph. The use of hyper-spacing in the first line and the total absence of spaces in the second, comprise an innovative blending of the rules of business writing and a subtle use of humour in the workplace:
‘email:h r m @ h i r i n g – w e s t u n i o n . c o m [please delete spaces before sending]
Name:Surname:Country:City:E-mail:TelephoneNumber:Mobile phone-number:’

I am so impressed with your humour that I am providing you with the information you have requested – in exactly the same format that you have requested it:

Brennig:Jones:Wales/UK(Ihaveputmycountryoforiginandmycountryofresidence):Witney(technicallyWitney
isatownnotacity):03001231212:+447765969952

I do feel that your next line has no place in a business letter. It looks contextually out of place and, frankly, it isn’t even written in good English:
‘Attention! We need just the people residing in Europe.’

‘Please, write your name and Telephone Number so that our manager could contact you, ask the necessary questions and answer yours.’
This, too is not written in English. My name is Brennig Jones and my telephone number is +44 7765 969 952. I would be thrilled to speak to your manager. While I am conversing with him/her I would be able to set out my proposals for a significant role in your organisation and give you my views on an acceptable remuneration package.

Yours sincerely,

Brennig Jones

____________________________

Original Message:
—————–
From: Aurora Berg Aurora.Berg@we-help-u.biz
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2010 10:15:01 -0300
To: brennig.jones@xxxxxxx.co.uk
Subject: Position Opening

Greetings

I am a manager of the HR department of a large multinational company. Our company is met in many departments, such as:
– property bank account operations – transportation and logistics – private enterprise service’ etc.

Currently, we are looking for managers in Europe:
– salary 2.600 euro + bonus
– 1-2 working hours per day
– free timetable

If you are ready to work as a regional manager in Europe send us the below information on email:h r m @ h i r i n g – w e s t u n i o n . c o m [please delete spaces before sending]
Name:Surname:Country:City:E-mail:Telephone Number:Mobile phone-number:

Attention! We need just the people residing in Europe.

Please, write your name and Telephone Number so that our manager could contact you, ask the necessary questions and answer yours.