My head, suddenly freed from the state of torpor that has entombed it lately, has gone bonkers.
It is throwing out random thoughts; unbidden, unprovoked and even unpoked.
Like…
Do I want to throw proper full-time work in, and go back to university to work towards adding a Ph.D to my BA (Hons) and Masters?
Or…
Do I want to throw proper full-time work in, and just work on my writing?
Or…
Do I want to do something else? Something totally random?
Hmmm….
The more I think about it, the more I find the idea of working on a Ph.D attractive.
There’s an area of psychosis that sits between schizoid personality disorder (SPD), obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) and mild bi-polar disorder (BPD) that intrigues me.
I have, in retrospect, been observing classic behaviours of this condition over the last four months, right down to the multi-personality traits and associated denials and credible, almost self-believed, lies.
I have been kicking myself that I failed to identify the condition, but, in mitigation, it is only now that the whole truth has come out, that all of the evidence is available.
There is, somewhere, a paper on conditional triggers and associated medication (the subject is on a very long-term course of varying-strength anti-depressants), but I can’t put my hand on the reference.
I’ve been up in the loft to try and find my text-books, but they must be in my lorry up at the stables.
I have become energised.
This afternoon I filed divorce papers with the Oxford court.
It is as if this one action, putting my name at the foot of a seven-page document and submitting it to the divorce court, has somehow released me from a state of mental lock-up.
Maybe this is the piece of closure that I’ve been missing.
The court papers that I have submitted lists the full names and addresses of the five men involved; I’m also suing them all for the costs of the divorce.
It seems right, and I feel sure the court will agree.
I almost want one of them to challenge the papers; then we could have a full-on legal battle with, ultimately, court-ordered evidence produced from Google’s email servers.
Almost, but not quite.
I’ve emailed Sophie to tell her.
She seems OK with it, and has said she’ll not challenge what we both know to be the truth.
I’m glad.
It’s not my intention to crush her, though I have moved to a position of not wanting to see her or speak to her, ever again.
I need to move away from a relationship which, by her own answer on Saturday, is dead, and I need to distance myself from a very unwell person.
This sounds callous, but her behaviour, infidelities and lies have caused me such pain that I can’t face being near her any longer.
Which is why, I suppose, my brain is looking at alternative life-possibilities.
Interesting.
🙂
Interesting.
Yeah, it’s good to let my brain run free-range, and see what it comes up with. Not making decisions, Lis, just looking at the options that are out there, and appreciating the possibilities.
Bren, the only thing I would say is to not rush headlong into any decisions about your future and don’t make any snap decisions. It would be terrible if you did so and then regretted the decision in 3 months.
Hey Rich. Nope, I’m not making any decisions at the moment. I’m just enjoying being in a position where I have a much greater range of options open to me, than I usually do. And I’m not a snap decision-maker anyway, not with my hyper-analytical brain. 🙂
There were 5 men involved?
Five?!
Crikey.
Mate, you are well rid.
Though I feel sorry to say that.
Mash, I don’t want to paint an unduly dark picture so…
In the last few months she’s only fucked two of them. Gave another a blowjob. And had graphic virtual sex with the other two.
But yeah, well rid. She’s unwell.
When one door closes …
Another one shuts in your face? 🙂
I’m glad you are feeling a bit better and looking forward to what new direction your life can take.
Thanks Lisa. Actually I’m feeling much better – every day is better right now. And thanks again.
Crikey …… 5 men? As sad as it is, I think you are doing the right thing Bren.
Don’t make any snap decisions me dear. In fact, I think you should wait at least 3 months before making any long-term plans.
P.S. What do you want a PhD for? You don’t need to prove your intelligence?!! 😉
Thanks Annie, sound words.
I am only saying that because I did a PhD myself, and it is only useful when I need to stand on it to reach the top shelf.
I used mine to prop my office door open, until a colleague said it looked pretentious. I said that it weighed just the right amount to hold the door easily.
ooh, I haven’t tried it as a door-stop. Thanks for the tip!
Hi Brennig — a lurker emerging. I know little about academic psychology, but an awful lot about PhDs and research generally: I’d urge caution over research into a subject which has too much of an emotional kick for the researcher. As someone very wise said to me in the middle of my PhD: “Your PhD won’t change the world, but it’ll change your life.” I now say this very strenuously and sternly to all my PhD students. DM via Twitter if you want further unasked-for gratuitous advice