warning: this post contains many bad words and is definitely not safe for work
Yes I know, comrades, I fucking know.
It is that time of year, again.
Like a really bad case of Groundhog Day, the Clinton-inspired machinery has wound itself to the very maximum of its ability, and has spewed Valentines Day messages down our throats at Every. Single. Fucking. Opportunity.
It really is enough to make one vom.
In fact I just did.
I need to take a moment’s breather, in this dialogue, to point out that the motivational rage behind my ire and spew is not because I unexpectedly entered, in October last year, the status of a newly-inducted, card-carrying member of the Exalted Club of Singletons.
Not in the least.
Though you might forgive me for being cynical. Because of, you know, recent history.
And a bit bitter.
But as a former happily-married person, the weird fallacy of *having to buy your wife a card*, in to which, one would have to write a witty inscription, in a disguised hand, never sat comfortably as a piece of logic in my mind.
The world is, surely, madder than a mad hatter’s tea-party?
Because you are widely read, my friend, you will recall that part of Douglas Adams’ ‘Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy’ is set on the planet of Brontitall?
And you will, no doubt, remember that the native inhabitants of Brontitall are, in the here and now, bird people?
And that the bird people used to be ground-dwellers, until the planet was taken over by the Shoe Corporation ‘Dolmansaxlil’ – and that Dolmansaxlil forced the population to buy more and more ill-fitting shoes, until they evolved in to bird people?
Well I put it to you, my friend, that unless we rise up and seize the initiative from the Clinton Cards empire, we will be forced, as if on a parallel course like the bird people of Brontifall, to buy more and more cards for absolutely no fucking reason.
Other than the purchase of said cards moves amounts of wealth to the Clinton Cards empire, obv.
So let’s do it. Or rather, let’s not do it.
Let’s not buy any VD cards or gifts.
Let’s look Clintons right in the eye and, with a hearty ‘Fuck you, Clintons’, tell them what we really think of VD.
Then go home to your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, cat, dog and/or gerbil and, you know, actually *tell* them that you love them.
From the heart.
Not pretend that you are some pimply unknown-to-them who signs his name with a:
But it may already be too late. Clintons/Hallmark already produce a card for just about every occasion and over the years they’ve continued to add more and more – some more successful than others.
Grandparents Day; Secretary’s Day; Teacher’s Day, Happy St George’s Day etc.
I agree with your suggestion wholeheartedly. In fact, I’m going to go upstairs right now and shake the current Mrs Masher warmly by the hand.
‘Shake the current Mrs Masher warmly by the hand’ has all kinds of euphemistic connotations that is making me feel slightly… unwell. But I hope you enjoyed your hand-shaking, however you deployed it.
The growing tide of clintons/hallmark celebrations is indeed out of control. Mr V was having a moan yesterday that he’s skint from Saturday night’s shenanigans at the Frog and Bucket and now has to fork out for dinner out and delivered flowers which cost twice as much as they will tomorrow or did yesterday. He got a flea in his ear about falling for corporate bullshit and overspending so now is going to go to M&S to buy some nice food which I will cook and a bottle of wine. Then on Saturday we’re going to take the dog to the seaside for a day out where we will eat fish and chips on the seafront and watch the dog getting confused by water that chases him. Much nicer than an overpriced trip to a restaurant which will have a limited menu and which will be full of awkward looking couples or hideously lovey-dovey gits.
Your dog has a nice life. I want to be taken to the seaside and fed fish and chips and get confused by water. 🙂 Thanks, V, I smiled at the domestic scenery.
Fish and chips on the seafront? You lucky git!
Thank you for this. Did you know that my word of the day was barf? Because I was so nauseated by all the VD talk…and like you it was not because I am single. It is because I cannot get on board with a manufactured holiday.
We think on similar lines. 🙂
I wondered what Bill and Hillary had to do with this. 🙂
I did consider internationalising ‘Clintons’, but as I kept Douglas Adams’ ‘dolmansaxlil’ I thought that as no-one outside the UK would understand the meaning behind that portmanteau, I would keep the similarly UK-based ‘Clintons’ within context.
I couldn’t agree more Bren – Valentines day is shit if you are single. It’s like ‘You should be doing this but you aren’t’.
Bastards.