Costa is a coffee shop, not a crèche

Most people have a degree of civilisation about them. Any degree. From a wafer-thin veneer to a big fat juicy chunk of civil behaviour.

Today, on our trip ‘out and about, exploring the towns, villages and countryside of Oxfordshire’ we stopped off in Witney and used the large, comfortable Costa.

Unfortunately, within minutes of our arrival, a family of six camped at the table next door.

Six.

Two grandparents, two parents and two completely out of control children.

None of whom had any degree of even the notion of what constitutes civilised behaviour at all.

It was a brilliant opportunity for Soph and I to observe not only two examples of ineffectual parenting, but also two examples of ineffectual grandparenting.

So for any efficient, effective parents (or grandparents) who may be looking in who are seeking tips in Higher Ineffectualism, here’s just a couple.

1. Take your children to Costa

2. Make sure that at least one of your children has only just woken up and therefore guaranteed to be tired, grizzly and grouchy

3. Ensure that this child (if not both children for good measure) is/are still dressed in his/her pyjamas for maximum hygiene

4. Allow the child(ren) to run absolutely fucking rampant around the place

5. Ignore any shouts or cries from the child(ren) [so, for instance, when the child says: ‘Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY!!!!!!!’ you should ignore it. No matter how much noise it creates. Please, don’t even ‘Shush!’ it. Do not at all costs do not consider removing it from everyone’s hearing by taking it outside until it quietens down

6. Remember, the goal is to be ineffective at all times. So when your child leans over the furniture in to the space of complete strangers and eyeballs them, their food, their drinks from a distance much to far in the personal space of the strangers, please do absolutely nothing

7. Keep on doing nothing

8. When the out of control child/ren bumps its head and begins to cry in a loud horrid whiny fashion remember rule 7. Do nothing. You are, after all, trying to be ineffective whilst causing the maximum offence to everyone else in the coffee shop

9. Ignore the child/ren at all times

10. Ignore everyone else around you. Let’s be honest, the aim of the exercise is to be ineffective. If your child/ren is/are making so much noise that you can’t hear your conversation amongst yourselves – to the point that over the din of your rampaging brats you have to keep saying ‘What?’, you’re pretty much on the right lines you selfish fucking bastards.

Thanks.

By following these rules you too could be transformed from a caring, thoughtful human being to a completely ineffective human being – and one displaying as much care for your offspring – and as much consideration for your fellow human beings – as you display for that turd that fell out of your arse the day before yesterday.

B.