Chiltern Railways: Can I speak to a human being please?

I need to book a car park season ticket for the train station in Warwickshire, where I’m going to leave my car on Monday mornings and retrieve it on Friday evenings.

Actually, before I book it I need to know how to order it, what I will need to do to renew it – all of the usual customer-interested things that a typical purchaser would need to know.

The Chiltern Railways website (http://www.chilternrailways.co.uk/station/warwick-parkway/facilities/) tells me that the car park is managed by Vinci Ltd.

The website tells me that to speak to Vinci Ltd I have to call 08456 005 165

So I do.

The call is answered by an automatic call handling system but, given that the car park is managed by Vinci Ltd, I’m surprised that the call handling system proceeds thus:

Welcome to Chiltern Railways.

Note that calls may be monitored and recorded for training purposes.

For train times, prices are also available online at www.chilternrailways.co.uk.

Please select one of the following options using your telephone keypad:

For train times, prices or to book tickets press 1.
For group travel involving groups of 10 or more people, for carnet sales and season ticket renewals, please redial on the following number: 01494 420 117.
For customer services enquiries press 3.
For up to date information about forthcoming track improvement works and real-time train running information press 4.
For information on opening a business travel account press 2. [Isn’t all of this out of order? Ed.]
If you are unable to select an option, please hold for an operator.

Button 3 pressed, which took me to:

To change or cancel an existing telesales booking, press 1.
To speak to our customer relations team about a complaint or for general information about Chiltern Railways, press 2.
To book assistance for your journey, press 3.
For lost property enquiries press 4.

Button 2 pressed which took me to:

Dum de dah, diddly doo dah. De diddly dum de dah, diddly doo dah.

Yes, it’s death by muzak.

My brain wrenches itself around inside my head as the muzak relentlessly plays over in its 20-second loop.

I start looking around my desk for sharp objects – or failing that, heavy blunt objects.

I find none.

I consider the merits of death by a thousand (paper) cuts.

Later – after more muzak:

Thanks for calling Chiltern Railways customer relations.

Our office hours are 08.30 to 17.30 Monday to Friday.

If you receive this message during our normal office hours, all our operators are tied up on calls; you have the facility to leave a message at the end of this recording.

Please speak slowly and clearly and after you hear the tone signal at the end of the message.

Alternatively if you wish to speak to somebody personally, please try again later.

Thank you once again for calling Chiltern Railways customer relations.

Then there’s a click on the line and a different voice cuts in and says:

Sorry, you are unable to leave a message at present.

Goodbye!

How brilliant is this?

Not only have they got my money for the round-robin call, they take it with one of the cheeriest ‘We’ve got your money, sucker!’ sign-offs I’ve heard in ages.

I’m so surprised at the unexpected burst of bonhomie that I’m almost not offended.

Almost.

Anyway, this diversion leaves me no closer to my goal – the monthly season ticket at the train station.

I shall have to experiment with pushing different buttons!

Maybe, if all else fails, I can find a combination that will at least change the muzak?

B.