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Depression bites

I wondered if it would, had dared to think I might have got away with it.

But today, from the moment I woke up, I knew I was facing another episode. One of the top two worst episodes of my life. Not that that’s a banner I’d actually want.

As the day progressed my inner mood has become darker and darker until it reached the current point, this stage of near total blackness.

And bleakness.

And blankness.

Because there is a blankness – a deadness inside – where normally the place in which my feelings and emotions can be found.

This place where I am right now, it is terrible.

There is no comfort here – happiness never existed, no chance of even a crumb of comfort.

There is just deadness, and a sense of sadness on a par with your favourite loved one suddenly – and – unexpectedly dying in a tragic, pointless way.

There is no loved one who can administer a simple remedy.

There is no antidote to this enormous sense of despair.

There is no cure.

There is just…

More.

Of the same.

A relentless barrage of black, dead, nothingness enveloping every single fibre of me.

Cutting me off from the world.

Isolating me in a place of despair.

And I need an escape.

I can’t take this relentless pressing blackness; it’s far more than I can bear.

The pressure is so great it almost squeezes the air out of me, making breathing difficult.

I have no dignity. I have no pride. I have no self-belief.

I have nothing.

And I want a way out.

I need to leave this place and I need to leave it now.

B.

11 thoughts on “Depression bites”

  1. I wish I could do something. Say something. Wave a magic wand and make it all better.

    I love you and am always here for you xxx

  2. Shit, Bren, not even ice cream? Nor horses? Damn. What about cursing?

    I’d send you some Californian sun to try a bit of therapy by light but it’s cloudy today — which no doubt contributes to my crappy mood. Dammit.

  4. With me, I don’t get a decent self-respecting blackness. Everything is grey, there’s not even a definitive color. But definitely I can relate to the feeling cut off from every person and every sensation. When people try to be brisk and cheerful and say “Oh, cheer up! It’ll be okay!” I want to tell them to fuck off and stop playing the hypocrite. Depression can feel like having all your blinders stripped off without the benefit of anesthetic, and you see Reality in its raw bleakness.

    From my perspective — sometimes, when I come out of these grey moods, it feels as if I’ve been through a necessary readjustment. I come out at a lower level emotionally, but better equipped to deal with life, such as it is.

    Um… you’re not charging for this Comment Therapy session, are you? If so, would you take a check?

  5. Thanks for the nicenesses folks. I don’t want to be around people but nevertheless it’s comforting to know that you’re there. I feel as though everything in my world has been ripped away and I don’t even have some debris to cling on to. There are no constants in my life right now and that makes everything so much worse.

    Merry: you just help yourself and jump right in.

  6. Man oh man, I don’t know what lead you there, even sometimes you can’t know yourself. Just, you know we’re here, little spots of flash lights in your darkness.
    Thank the gods of the internet the human chain can’t be broken.
    Hugs mate

  7. Will the prospect of a pint bought by my fair hand on Sunday not do it…well damn it all then! Seriously though lovely, just get through an hour at a time and soon the days go by and sunshine peeks through x

  8. Oh dear. When your emotions come back, you do know that Mrs Brennig won’t have stopped feeling nuts-mad-crazy for you and that your loyal readership (!) will still be tagging along via our readers.

    Why is it though that the first emotion to come back is nearly always despair? But I guess at least it means feeling *something*. And without you noticing it morphs into a mutation of frustration and incomprehension and sadness and aching and self-pity and … and … and then relief and gratitude of simple pleasures and optimism that turns to the hope and at last the belief that life can be lived and tomorrow isn’t so scary after all.

    It might be a bit of way to go now, but that’s where you’re headed.

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